Happy Christmas

South Park Already Did It

Black Orchid: the story so far.

At Cranleigh Hall Nyssa has met Ann with whom she shares a remarkable resemblance. While Tegan and Nyssa prepare for the annual ball, Ann comes to their room with two identical dresses and a topping plan to fool the other guests.
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The Famly of Blud

by n molesworth

THE STORY SO FAR St custards skool is under seege from strange alien figures at the gate. Whom (gramer) can it be? Sigismund the mad maths master and his rhomboids? The PUKON and his army of TREENS? No it appear to be gillibrand and one of the ladies who does for the headmaster (hem-hem) plus an army of scarecrows they hav made. This is wet. Space aliens should wizz around on tripods xploding the moon not doing gurly arts and crafts.

Headmaster Grimes and the skool secretary go out to speak. There is a flash of lite and the hon. sec. vanish in a cloud of dust. Was that an atomik blaster? A fusion percolator? A cosmic disintergrator? Wotever it hav done the job a treat. If I could get one no master would dare give me 0 for my prep agane.

NOW REED ON

“The skool is under atack” sa Grimes. “We must defend ourselves with guns.” A riple of xcitment passes the boys this is going to be better than weedy shooting lessons where we hav to fire at target instead of anything you would aktualy want to shoot i.e the masters, lambs, wandsworth the skool dog etc chiz*.

The crowd of boys palpate with heady joy who will get to work the gattling gun the prize of the army cadets.? Boo hiss it is grabber head of skool and winner of the mrs joyful prize for raffia work. He get everything becos his pater slip Grimes an extra tenner at the start of each term.

Still it is not all bad. boys get a rifle xsept for my bro molesworth 2 this is wise he should not be trusted with anything more dangerous than a conker. See how he runs around with his arms out pretending to be a sopwith camel “uh uh uh uh uh” he sa firing his machine guns before doing a pancake landing in the veg patch.

The scarecrows advance and bang on skool gate. High spirited boys nailed it up years ago as a joke forcing visitors to use the side entrance which is most unsavory hem-hem but it will not hold up for long. Grimes sigh,”if only I had spent parents fees on maintanance instead of the gee-gees.” How true how true espeshally Shannon Lass in the grand national who was 100-1 and should hav gon to the knackers years ago. CRASH BANG ZOOSH. The gate fall open and scarecrows walk in.

Grabber fires the gat but it hav no reel efeckt. Frankly I think we would do better to steal some of the bottles of GIN that matron hav hidden beneth her bed we could make molotov cocktails which would be super. Straw filled scarecrows would go up like paters potting shed last bonfire nite when catherine weel spun out of control. Fotherington-tomas start to blub like a baby because the noise of the gat is hurting his ickle-pritty ears. There is nothing new about this he blub at everything the beauty of nature when Wee Tim in a Christmas Carol sa God bless us every one when you point out he hav a face like a tomato etc. He is a wet and a weed.

Still scarecrows do fall over. “Cease fire” sa Grimes and then an unxpeckted development. A GURL walk in but rather than singing some weedy skipping rhyme like “ooggly poogly plum dee doo I like akorns and so do you” she gun Grimes down. Cheers cheers this can only mean a half holiday tommorow.

Mr Smith who teeches hist look all shocked and sa “wot hav I done? I canot make them do this these poor inocent boys!” Inocent? Not if you hav seen the pile of fag ends round the back of the playing fields nuff said. He tell boys to run and sensibly they scatter to the four corners leaving masters to thier fate.

Griping stuff eh? Wot will happen next? As they sa in the penny dredfuls TO BE CONTINUED...

*a chiz is a swiz or swindle as any fule kno

Doctor Who, elsewhere

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Kudos to the Spooks writers for this scene from last week's episode in which Lucas North is shown using a sonic screwdriver to break into a car. Assuming that Malcolm developed this piece of kit does this mean he's a Time Lord sent to Earth to prevent the disastrous Spooks:Code 9 time line from occurring? Fingers crossed.



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