“Water always wins,” says the Doctor in the trailer for The Waters of Mars, but is he right? Does water always win? We put his claim to the ultimate test.An exclusive Shouting Into A Well Investigation
The End of the World
Battle: the Earth’s oceans vs a red hot exploding sun.
Result: As the sun expands the Earth is destroyed, there are no signs of any water in the rubble. It was the sun wot won it.
Verdict: a disappointing early defeat for water.
New Earth
Battle: water vs all New Earth’s worst diseases.
Result: using the water in the disinfectant shower the Doctor cures all New Earth’s worst diseases.
Verdict: water wins (with some help from future outer-space medicine).
The Runaway Bride
Battle: the river Thames vs the Empress of Racnoss.
Result: having unwisely built her base under the river, the Empress of Racnoss is destroyed and all her children are drowned.
Verdict: water victorious.
Smith and Jones
Battle: rain vs the Royal Hope hospital.
Result: the Judoon lift the hospital all the way to the Moon with the power of their H2O Scoop.
Verdict: water wins again, taking the Royal Hope hospital to the Moon and back again.
The Shakepeare Code
Battle: water vs the Master of the Revels.
Result: the Carrionites know the best way to deal with anyone who meddles in their plans; drown them with magic.
Verdict: the Doctor may claim that the Master of the Revels died of an imbalance of the humours but we all know it was really another victory for the unstoppable force of water.
The Fires of Pompeii
Battle: water vs the Pyroviles.
Result: nothing can stop the firey Pyroviles, nothing except…. Water!
Verdict: water comes out on top in the ancient alchemical struggle of one element against another.
Planet of the Ood
Battle: on the ice planet Ood-Sphere water seems disinclined to take part in the struggle for freedom between the Ood and the evil slave drivers of the Ood Corporation.
Verdict: some people probably froze to death though
Result: water wins by default.
The Doctor’s Daughter
Battle: a swamp vs a Hath.
Result: when the fish-like Hath falls into a swamp even it is unable to resist the awesome power of water; it drowns; gills are over-rated.
Result: water beats fish aliens.
The Unicorn and the Wasp
Battle: a lake vs the Vespiform.
Result: Vespiform drowns
Verdict: water rules.
Turn Left
Battle: the river Thames vs the Doctor and the Empress of Racknoss (and all her children).
Result: just this once everybody dies!
Verdict:water wins again.
Planet of the Dead
Battle: water vs a swarm of metallic stingray aliens.
Result: San Helios had a thriving ecosystem before metallic alien stingrays turned everything into sand; even the water.
Verdict: the last battle and water loses. How will this affect the final score?
Final score
With 9 out of 11 victories we can see that the success rate of water is an awkward 81.81818%. We have proved the Doctor is wrong to claim that water always wins but it is clear that in the eternal battle between water and things drowning in it, or sometimes being cooled or lifted into space, it’s best to bet on H2O
Will water triumph in The Waters of Mars or can the Doctor pull an unexpected last minute victory out of his hat? We’ll just have to wait and see.
Number crunching
Most watery series: with 8 out of the 11 stories listed here, it’s series 4.
Most common water victory: drowning with 5/11 wins.
Most water obsessed writer: Gareth Roberts whose three episodes all feature in this article. By comparison Russell T Davies only has a water obsession rate of 19% and many writers are seemingly unconcerned with water at all.