General Sontar's Puzzle Corner

Ten-hut Troopers! General Sontar here to remind you that it's just as important to work on your wits as it is to practice obeying the orders of a superior officer without question, shielding your Probic vent from the enemy, and putting a charged quantum shot through the cyanotic node of a Rutan at 600 Sontaran paces! With that in mind our top strategy boffins have put together this test. It's more challenging than a twenty-seven day forced route march through the gas swamps of Hypoxia VI!

Question 1: Join the dots

(answer to last week's Join the dots puzzle. Unfortunately last week's dots formed a circle, if you are still attempting this puzzle then stop now)

Question 2: Word Jumlbe (set by Clive Doig)

(clue, you shoot them with the front of your gun)

Question 3: Spot The Difference

Oh No! In preparing an image for publication in the glorious Sontaran Standard newspaper the picture editor has accidentally made ten changes. Can you spot the difference?

(Answer: The difference is between a Sontaran who can do his job properly and one who makes incompetent mistakes! The picture editor's entire squad was reduced to genetic material as punishment. REMEMBER: SLOPPY ERRORS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!)

Question 4: A-mazing Maze

Travel through the maze to find out what the lovely kitten wants to wear.
(Answer to last week's A-mazing Maze. The naughty puppy had chewed the slippers)

HOW DID YOU DO?
Completion time
Five hours plus: more work needed Trooper
Three to five hours: average
Two to three hours: keep up the good effort Soldier
Two hours or less: report to the Promotion Sphere for Officer Upgrade and Naming Ceremony.

It's Probably A Metaphor

So It's Come To This: Actual Lavatory Humour

People From Doctor Who On The Toilet*

Tobias Vaughn


The Tenth Doctor




*with apologies to Ted Bovis.

Newszzzzz

Eccleston's Bizarre Plot: More Details Revealed!

Today Shouting Into A Well reporters can expose more details of Christopher Eccleston's plot to regain the role of Doctor Who.

Yesterday we told you how Eccleston, in an attempt to return to the role he left in 2005, tried to convince the BBC that the year was 2006 and that he remained the actor playing the Doctor. The details of this plan involved:

- making new Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat believe he was Russell T. Davis by giving him a map of Britain on which Wales and Scotland had been swapped round.
- breaking into Upper Boat studios and replacing all the year planners, diaries and calendars with 2006 editions.
- secretly dying Karen Gillan's hair blonde to make her look like Billie Piper.
-crossing Matt Smith's telephone number out of the internal directory and writing his in its place.

It appears that this plan was at least partially successful, presumably contributing to new Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat's confusion over whether the 2010 series of Doctor Who was series one, five or thirty one.

At the time of publishing it remained unclear where new Doctor Who actor Matt Smith fitted into Eccleston's plans; that question has now been answered in a most grisly fashion. Our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has provided us with a picture almost certainly drawn by Eccleston himself clearly showing the Boon and Casualty actor gloating above a pit containing a figure recognisable as Smith. We must warn our readers that this picture may not be suitable for those of a nervous disposition.

SHOCKING: Could Eccleston have been planning to eat Matt Smith?

TOMORROW: our source has promised us more remarkable revelations about Eccleston's plan, including revealing how the actor used techniques he learned while playing the role of invisible agent Claude in Heroes to move undetected around the Doctor Who set.

Freema Agyeman.
Owing to an unfortunate printing error last week's story "Freema's Shocking Spider Secret!" accidentally gave the impression that Freema Agyman was a giant woman-spider hybrid who lured young men back to her web and wrapped them in silk before gruesomely feasting on their innards. In addition a breakdown of communications between the Art and Editorial departments then led to the article being illustrated with a photo showing Freema's head pasted onto the body of the Empress Of Racnoss with the caption,"HORRIFIC: According to our source this image of Spider Freema may be the last thing that countless young men have seen."

Having received representation from Freema's Management and Legal teams Shouting Into A Well is happy to assure our readers that this is not the case and we are pleased to apologise for any confusion this unfortunate and unavoidable error may have caused.

In Other News

New Captain Kirk Sexual Harassment Case Rocks Starfleet.
Starfleet today was attempted to deal with the fallout from yet another sexual harassment case involving Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise.

Read more

Liz 10 to Charles "I don't care if you've been waiting 300 years. I'm the bloody Queen and you'll get the job when it's your turn." Read more




Exclusive! Karen Gillan Walks Down The Street On Her Legs And Wears Clothes! Read more