Happy Christmas

South Park Already Did It

Black Orchid: the story so far.

At Cranleigh Hall Nyssa has met Ann with whom she shares a remarkable resemblance. While Tegan and Nyssa prepare for the annual ball, Ann comes to their room with two identical dresses and a topping plan to fool the other guests.
(click picture to see full size)

The Famly of Blud

by n molesworth

THE STORY SO FAR St custards skool is under seege from strange alien figures at the gate. Whom (gramer) can it be? Sigismund the mad maths master and his rhomboids? The PUKON and his army of TREENS? No it appear to be gillibrand and one of the ladies who does for the headmaster (hem-hem) plus an army of scarecrows they hav made. This is wet. Space aliens should wizz around on tripods xploding the moon not doing gurly arts and crafts.

Headmaster Grimes and the skool secretary go out to speak. There is a flash of lite and the hon. sec. vanish in a cloud of dust. Was that an atomik blaster? A fusion percolator? A cosmic disintergrator? Wotever it hav done the job a treat. If I could get one no master would dare give me 0 for my prep agane.

NOW REED ON

“The skool is under atack” sa Grimes. “We must defend ourselves with guns.” A riple of xcitment passes the boys this is going to be better than weedy shooting lessons where we hav to fire at target instead of anything you would aktualy want to shoot i.e the masters, lambs, wandsworth the skool dog etc chiz*.

The crowd of boys palpate with heady joy who will get to work the gattling gun the prize of the army cadets.? Boo hiss it is grabber head of skool and winner of the mrs joyful prize for raffia work. He get everything becos his pater slip Grimes an extra tenner at the start of each term.

Still it is not all bad. boys get a rifle xsept for my bro molesworth 2 this is wise he should not be trusted with anything more dangerous than a conker. See how he runs around with his arms out pretending to be a sopwith camel “uh uh uh uh uh” he sa firing his machine guns before doing a pancake landing in the veg patch.

The scarecrows advance and bang on skool gate. High spirited boys nailed it up years ago as a joke forcing visitors to use the side entrance which is most unsavory hem-hem but it will not hold up for long. Grimes sigh,”if only I had spent parents fees on maintanance instead of the gee-gees.” How true how true espeshally Shannon Lass in the grand national who was 100-1 and should hav gon to the knackers years ago. CRASH BANG ZOOSH. The gate fall open and scarecrows walk in.

Grabber fires the gat but it hav no reel efeckt. Frankly I think we would do better to steal some of the bottles of GIN that matron hav hidden beneth her bed we could make molotov cocktails which would be super. Straw filled scarecrows would go up like paters potting shed last bonfire nite when catherine weel spun out of control. Fotherington-tomas start to blub like a baby because the noise of the gat is hurting his ickle-pritty ears. There is nothing new about this he blub at everything the beauty of nature when Wee Tim in a Christmas Carol sa God bless us every one when you point out he hav a face like a tomato etc. He is a wet and a weed.

Still scarecrows do fall over. “Cease fire” sa Grimes and then an unxpeckted development. A GURL walk in but rather than singing some weedy skipping rhyme like “ooggly poogly plum dee doo I like akorns and so do you” she gun Grimes down. Cheers cheers this can only mean a half holiday tommorow.

Mr Smith who teeches hist look all shocked and sa “wot hav I done? I canot make them do this these poor inocent boys!” Inocent? Not if you hav seen the pile of fag ends round the back of the playing fields nuff said. He tell boys to run and sensibly they scatter to the four corners leaving masters to thier fate.

Griping stuff eh? Wot will happen next? As they sa in the penny dredfuls TO BE CONTINUED...

*a chiz is a swiz or swindle as any fule kno

Doctor Who, elsewhere

Doctor Who may be into its gap year but programme makers seem determined to keep the series in the public's mind.



Kudos to the Spooks writers for this scene from last week's episode in which Lucas North is shown using a sonic screwdriver to break into a car. Assuming that Malcolm developed this piece of kit does this mean he's a Time Lord sent to Earth to prevent the disastrous Spooks:Code 9 time line from occurring? Fingers crossed.



Then there's this shot from Survivors episode 2. A clever way to pay tribute to Terry Nation, creator of Survivors and Davros, but it carries terrible implications for Doctor Who fans.

The plague struck the week this issue of the Radio Times went on sale? But that's the week between the broadcast of The Stolen Earth and Journey's End. Truly, the survivors would envy the dead.

Phoning it in

Just Routine

Let's play the Regeneration Game*

Every other Doctor Who blog on the internet has something about David Tennant leaving and Shouting Into a Well just wants to be popular.

To while away the time before the new Doctor is announced (and to stop you grinding your teeth to stumps at the endless headlines and newspaper stories speculating on which flavour of the month celebrity will be cast; Russell Brand/Kerry Katona/Daniel Craig/Daniel Radcliffe) here's a puzzle.


Plus, here's how generic newspaper cartoonist K*pp*r W*ll**ms might have interpreted the news with his satyrical eye.




*alternate titles include: Who goes, there/I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry/Journey's End

Boooooooom!

This Bonfire Night remember the fireworks code; with the Knights from the Battlefield DVD cover.



Light sparklers one at a time and wear gloves.
Light sparklers with a taper.
Hold sparklers at a safe distance.
Do not run or wave sparklers near other people.
Never give sparklers to a child under five or the Destroyer.

Stock Photography

Illustrating Doctor Who news stories with pictures from the financial markets.





September 2003: Doctor Who to return to BBC1







March 2005: Christopher Eccleston is resigning as the Doctor after just one series





October 2005: Doctor Who spin-off series Torchwood will see the return of Captain Jack Harkness







October 2006: First series of Torchwood broadcast







July 2007: Catherine Tate announced as new companion for fourth series






July 2008: Series 4 finale, Journey's End, is the UK's most watched programme of the week

Commercial Break

New from Pip'n'Jane Industries: Vervoid Cigarettes

Things are going splendidly? Then celebrate by stepping up to the great taste of Vervoid Cigarettes for a smooth cool smoke that really satisfies.

Welcome to planet flavour

GOVT HEATH WARNING: Smoking Vervoid Cigarettes causes stem droop and premature leaf fall.

Who's Heading to Albert Square!

Jane Tranter, BBC One Controller, BBC Fiction, today announced exiting news of a major change in format for the fifth season of Doctor Who which airs in 2010. Instead of being broadcast once a week as single forty five minute episodes the new series will premier as 'minisodes' within editions of popular soap opera Eastenders.


Each Doctor Who episode will be split into roughly six minute segments which will then be shown on television sets within the soap itself; see picture above for an artists impression of how this new format may look. In addition Eastenders' characters will discuss the episodes of Doctor Who as they watch them; speculating about future story arcs and their favorite characters and moments.

"If 360 degree commissioning has been the buzzword of recent years then we consider this to be a step forwards to the next level; 720 degree commissioning if you will," Jane Tranter told a Shouting into a Well correspondent at an exclusive restaurant interview. "Not only will we see cross-fertilisation between the audiences of Doctor Who and Eastenders but fans of both series will be able to use the web to initiate dialogues with Eastenders' characters to discuss Doctor Who, a whole new concept in interactive fiction."

BBC bosses are confident that Doctor Who fans will also appreciate the extra length this will add to each new series. Within the four times a week soap a single episode will now take two weeks to show effectively increasing the running time of season five to twenty six weeks, a figure not seen since the days of Tom Baker.

"We look forward to new fans joining the good Doctor on his travels when he returns from his gap year," said Jane Tranter."This can only be good news for audiences of two of the BBC's most popular series," she added before rolling her eyes at three BBC publicity representatives standing nearby and writing "help me" in salt spilled on the tabletop. At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Doctor Who Android Death Poses: A spotters Guide

Number One: From Timelash, the basic "Upright" with on fire variation.









Number Two: Four To Doomsday. Adric (in spacesuit) helping Enlightenment demonstrate the "D.H. Lawrence".




Number Three: A partially obscured Movellan from Destiny of the Daleks shows us the "Walk Like An Egyptian".






Number Four: Four To Doomsday again as a deactivated Persuasion displays a magnificent "Saturday Night Fever" which can also become












Number Five: The "I'm A Little Teapot"

Poor Forward Planning

In the Doctor Who series four episode Journey's End, Davros plotted to destroy everything in the universe except for the Daleks. What would have happened if his plan had succeeded?
(click picture to see full size)

Health and Safety Assessment: The War Machines

This Health and Safety Assessment uses a four step system.
Step 1: What Are The Hazards?
Step 2: Who Might Be Harmed and How?
Step 3: Evaluate the risks. A risk is defined as the likelihood that a hazard will cause harm along with the damage that hazard could cause.
Step 4: Decide on precautions.

Hazard 1: Trip hazard.

Who Might Be Harmed and How? Human slaves may fall over corpses of dead co-workers.
How likely is it that the hazard may result in harm? Possible.
If the hazard does result in harm, how severe would the injury be? Minor injury.
Priority: Medium.
Precautions: Ensure walkways are always free of obstructions with a 'keep clear' policy. Corpses to be correctly disposed of in green recycling bins.

Hazard 2: Poor lifting technique by human slaves of WOTAN.

Who Might Be Harmed and How? Human slaves may suffer back injury from repeated handling of boxes while using poor lifting technique.
How likely is it that the hazard may result in harm? Probable.
If the hazard does result in harm, how severe would the injury be? Major injury (at least 3 days off work).
Priority: High.
Precautions: All human slaves to be given training sessions in correct manual handling techniques.

Hazard 3: WOTAN computer may attempt to take over world.

Who Might Be Harmed and How? Population of Earth may be hypnotised to serve WOTAN's will.
How likely is it that the hazard may result in harm? Certain
If the hazard does result in harm, how severe would the injury be? Enslaving of human race.
Priority: Urgent action.
Precautions: Install off switch.

Imperfect Ten

Another Shouting into a well exclusive! Stolen from Russell T. Davies' bin we have the only surviving page from The Ten Doctors. A script that evidently never even made it to the mentioning-the-idea-at-the-pub-to-Phil-Collinson-just-in-case-there's-a-way-to-make-it-work stage.

Click the picture for a larger view.

Bad to the Bone

Archaeology chat with the Bonekickers team from Wessex University

Soft We're Not

PART ONE

In 1984, two years after the launch of the Sinclair ZX Spectrum home computer, the BBC's commercial arm BBC Enterprises decided to capitalise on the British software boom by creating their own label; BBC Software.

The idea was simple. The BBC would release games based on its most popular programmes; Bergerac, All Creatures Great and Small, 'Allo 'Allo!, Doctor Who, Match of the Day and many more but the company was not a success. After poor sales and much controversy BBC Software was wound up in 1986.

The first wave of releases consisted of three games; The Borgias, an uninspiring platform game; Match of the Day; and The World at War.


The World at War was an acclaimed documentary series originally made in 1973 for Thames television but now owned by the BBC. The game placed the player in the role of Winston Churchill with a long and dangerous journey ahead of him to victory in Berlin (Click the screenshot above for a larger view).

Priced at £9.99, at a time when most games retailed for £5.95, sales of all three titles were poor. The range had not got off to a good start.

Boom Bang-a-Bang

One unanswered question from Journey's End ,the last episode of Doctor Who series four, is where did all the fireworks come from to celebrate the Earth's return? This secret memo cracked using Unit Security Code Green reveals all.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"TOP SECRET... EYES ONLY... OSTERHAGEN KEY OPERATION MANUAL

The following check must be carried out every sixty minutes by Duty Officer Osterhagen Station One (DOOS1)

PHASE ONE:
IS THE EARTH DOOMED?
YES (PROCEED TO PHASE TWO)
NO (PROCEED TO PHASE THREE)

PHASE TWO:
A:INSERT OSTERHAGEN KEY INTO CONTROL PANEL
B:SET SWITCH TO 'DOOMED' POSITION
C:PRESS GO BUTTON

A chain of twenty five (25) nuclear warheads placed in strategic locations beneath the Earth's crust will detonate destroying the planet

PHASE THREE:
IS THE EARTH SAVED?
YES (PROCEED TO PHASE FOUR)
NO (PROCEED TO PHASE FIVE)

PHASE FOUR:
A:INSERT OSTERHAGEN KEY INTO CONTROL PANEL
B:SET SWITCH TO 'SAVED' POSITION
C:PRESS GO BUTTON

A chain of fireworks installed in strategic national landmarks will detonate allowing instant celebrations

PHASE FIVE:
RESUME MONITORING
WAIT ONE HOUR
ASSESS EARTH'S RELATIVE DOOMED/SAVED STATUS
RETURN TO PHASE ONE

MESSAGE ENDS

PS: Watch out for Krynoids in the cabbage patch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Please Mr. Toastman

Characters in films and television are always concocting plans, whether it's to conquer the world using deadly orchid venom bombs or thwarting "evil since the dawn of time". They're all at it, heroes and villains alike. But how would they cope when asked to do something simple like making some toast? That's been the question that this year's International Toast Making Championship has tried to answer. Let's see how the latest contestants did.

The Daleks: Doctor Who's arch foes set to work conquering a neighbouring planet and putting its inhabitants to work making toast within huge slave factories. After only a few days the Daleks had made vast mountains of toast, more in fact than any one person could possibly eat in a lifetime. " We are the Masters of toast. We are the Masters of toast," grated the Dalek Supreme.
Result: A massive, if somewhat over compensatory, success from the insecure metal pepper pots.

Heroes: A team effort that started well as Peter Petrelli used telekinesis to slice the bread and lift it into a jet of fire provided by Claire's pyrokinetic mother. When the bread was browned to perfection Hiro Nakamura teleported the toast onto a plate and it was ready for serving. Sadly at this point the Heroes team made a terrible mistake. Peter's "Irish" girlfriend Caitlin was chosen to deliver the toast to the waiting judge. "Bejasus! Here be ye toast zur", she said as the plate was handed over causing the judge to be sick and lose his appetite.
Result: Failed.

The team from Lost were disqualified after failing to turn up.

The Daleks were the winners of this round (of toast!) and go on to the quarter finals where they will face Godzilla, the family from Lost in Space, Batman and this years 100-1 outsider The Man From Atlantis.

Classified Adverts

Silurians


Drahvins

The Ape of Things to Come

Films to revitalise the Planet of the Apes franchise

Planet of the Giant Walking and Talking Statues of Liberty: A clever twist on the original. Watch out for the exciting ending where Charlton Heston walks down a beach and releases that he is still on Earth when he finds an ape buried up to its waist in the sand.

Planet of the Same Planet that Charlton Heston Just Left in His Spaceship: Charlton Heston arrives on a planet that he finds eerily familiar, watch out for the exciting twist ending when he realises that his mission has bought him home exactly as planned.

Journey to the Centre of the Planet of the Apes: Charlton Heston meets dinosaur apes at the Earth's core.

Planet of the Charlton Heston's: Charlton Heston arrives on a planet that has been over-run by... HIM. Note, possibly too many Charlton Heston's.

Beneath the Battle for the Escape from the Conquest of the Planet of the Apes: The low budget option, an exciting compilation of scenes from the other films.

Planet of the Apes in Space: Apes...... IN SPACE!

Planet of the Planets: Probably too expensive and stupid for words.

Plant of the Apes: Charlton Heston lands his space ship in a banana tree.

Voulez Who

Our spies are everywhere. No sooner had Russell T Davies finished his final script for the last of next year's Doctor Who specials than we were sent copies of the last two pages.

Yes, you read that right. Click on the pictures below to see the last two pages of Russell T Davies' last ever script before Steven Moffat takes over.

Needless to say; there are spoilers.

Simply Fab!

Or, why Mick Hucknall should be the new Doctor Who

When Steven Moffat takes over Doctor Who in 2010 if he's looking for a new Doctor then he should cast Mick Hucknall (see picture, above, for a terrible artist's impression). Not only would the Simply Red singer attract a whole new legion of fans but it would mean the show can be taken in a whole new direction with musical numbers.

No really, just look how well some of these Simply Red songs would fit into the programme.

Holding Back the Years: The Doctor can sing this to his companion as he explains how regeneration keeps him young and handsome.

Come To My Aid: Oh no! The Doctor's been caught by the Gonds! Luckily he can give us a burst of this song while he waits for his companion to rescue him.

(Open Up The) Red Box: Probably a good song to use in a remake of Kinda.

No Direction: The Doctor still can't steer the TARDIS.

If You Don't Know Me By Now: Imagine the scene. The Doctor meets his old friend Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart who doesn't recognise him. When the Doctor sings this our eyes would be simply red; with crying!

Night Nurse: The 2010 celebrity historical; Doctor Who meets Florence Nightingale.

It's obvious when you think about it. Mick Hucknall should jump to the front of the casting queue, right before everyone who isn't James Nesbitt.

Note: Mick Hucknall tracks listed were taken from the relevent Wikipedia pages. The author of this blog does not own every single Simply Red album along with Simply Red - Greatest Video Hits on DVD, plus the book If You Don't Know Me By Now: The Official Story of Simply Red by Brian Southall and Mick Hucknall. Any suggestion that the author of this blog secretly wants Mick Hucknall to fall from the stars straight into his arms is almost certainly unprovable in a court of law.

The Adventures of Ninja Flea

Yes Sir, I Can Wookie

How's this for an exclusive? An actual page of Peter Mayhew's Star Wars script complete with character notes. Click the picture for the full sized version.

Gratuitous Nudity

Sexy Scythia is a Silurian stunna with a third eye and head ridges to drive any right-thinking Silurian fella out of his mind. We bet there's a lot of Silurian males who'd like to get their claws on her!

Sightly Scythia, 23, was spotted walking her pet Tyrannosaurus Rex in the park by our photographer and he liked what he dino-saw!

"I found my Tyrannosaurus a year ago," sultry Scythia says," he had an injured foot"; paw thing! Yes, sizzling Scythia may be cold-blooded but she's got a warm heart!

"I stayed awake for days rubbing ointment on his foot and changing the bandages,"; we bet quite a few of our readers wouldn't mind an all night session with sweet Scythia themselves! "I nursed him back to health" she says,"and now he follows me everywhere"; we know how it feels!

But despite being just what the doctor ordered super Scythia has no plans for a career in veterinary medicine. "I'm just an ordinary girl Silurian," she giggles,"I'd like to meet a nice male Silurian and settle down to raise a clutch of hatchlings"; eggsactly!