What We Need Is A Brand New Way To Be Original

When Doctor Who comes back next year it's going to need an eye-catching gimmick to grab the attention of an increasingly jaded press; 3D episodes, live episodes, black and white episodes, musical episodes, animated episodes. They've all been done. Here are some more suggestions.

1. Everyone is invisible.
2. Silhouettes.
3. Smell-o-vision.
4. An episode that's filmed by the cast and acted by the technical crew.
5. Haiku dialogue:
Daleks conquered Earth
mankind is now enslaved
clouds weep tears of rain
6. A secret episode. Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and the rest of the cast perform the episode at an undisclosed location, it is never broadcast and no one talks about it.
7. Doctor Who on stilts!
8. A 4D episode (not sure how this one would work, maybe the picture would have length, width, height and passage of time or the sets could be designed with non-Euclidean geometry)
9. Invisible silhouettes! On stilts!!
10. A true live episode, Matt Smith and Karen Gillan perform the script in your living room while Steven Moffat pushes script pages under the door (a potential logistical nightmare)

Film Dialogue That Has Taken On A New Meaning Since The Film Was First Released
Number X in a series of Y
Goldeneye (1995)
Jack Wade speaking to James Bond and Natalya Simonova: "Maybe you two'd like to finish debriefing each other at Guantanamo?"

Using Your Doctor Who Action Figures To Recreate Scenes From Other Television Series

Number 7136: One Foot In The Grave

Requires: Doctor Constantine as Victor Meldrew, and Grandma Connolly as Margaret Meldrew.
Sample Dialogue:
Victor: Hello dear, I'm home, and... and... what the? Your face has been eaten by the television set! I don't believe it!

Next Week: Using Your Doctor Who Action Figures To Recreate Scenes From Other Television Series Number 7137: Watchdog.
Recreating BBC1's consumer programme using two Judoon Trooper figures as The Rogue Traders, The Editor as the sleazy businessman in his suit and tie, and Lady Cassandra as Anne Robinson.

DVD News

As A New Trailer Is Added To The Twin Dilemma DVD We Have Shocking Evidence That The Start-up Sequence On Doctor Who Discs Is Now Too Long*


You: The Jury

We asked," Do you find the DVD start-up sequence too long on Doctor Who Discs?"

"I find they go past really quickly," Methuselah.
"Much, much too long," A. Mayfly.
"More boring than my day job," Sisyphus, Hades.
"Tedious, over-long, boring and... sorry I thought we were talking about The Twin Dilemma!!" Mike Giggler, via email.

*rather like this headline

Merchandising Update

With the new year approaching Shouting Into A Well takes a look at the latest batch of calendars due to hit the shops soon.

The 365 Sontarans A Year Wall Calandar: A daily calendar featuring 365 individual pictures of a race of clones who all wear the same type of battle armour.
Rating: Monotonous.

Naked Cybermen: Cybus Industries' latest doomed attempt to convince the public to have their brains scooped out of their heads and placed in metal shells. A series of pictures of Cybermen in various states of undress which, according to the press release aims to,” show that under the skin of iron is a warm beating human heart.” This is only too clearly demonstrated in the picture for October which looks like a scene from Hellraiser.
Rating: Unbelievably disgusting.

The Official Vashta Nerada Calendar: Initially disappointing effort from the microscopic creatures who live in shadows, it appears to be nothing but twelve blank, black pages. However the Vashta Nerada assure Shouting Into A Well that each calendar is impregnated with billions of eggs guaranteed to hatch, swarm and devour purchasers when night falls.
Rating: To die for!

Waterskiing Werewolves: An unusual charity calendar produced by the Brethren of St Catherine's Glen Monastery. Impressive photography raising money for a worthy cause, a pound from each calendar sold goes towards infecting Prince Charles with Lycanthropy, makes this an excellent buy.
Rating: lupus magnus est, lupus fortis est, lupus deus est.

Just Daleks In Hats: Like the title says, twelve A4 sized pictures of Daleks going about their daily business enslaving other races, making Pig Slaves, and plotting the total destruction of all matter in the universe while wearing a selection of hats. Interestingly enough one of the Daleks in the photo for July, (Daleks in berets destroy the Eiffel Tower, caption:”ooh la-la!”) is also wearing a cravat.
Rating: Stylish.