Why Don't They Call?

Doctor Who Monsters Slam Heartless BBC Recasting Policy

Scythia the Silurian no longer spends her time sitting by the phone, hope has turned to disappointment. "When we heard that the Silurians were returning to Doctor Who, everyone in my clutch-brood was excited but after a while we realised the BBC were not going to phone and ask us to be in the new series. It was such a shame.”

But the Silurians are not the only Doctor Who villains to be left out in the cold by Steven Moffat and his heartless Doctor Who mandarins. We spoke to heartless Doctor Who Mandarin, the Celestial Toymaker.

“I was the original and best,” fumes the Celestial Toymaker, “I was the one who came up with the idea of playing games with the Doctor and his friends.”

“When I head that a story this year featured the Doctor caught in a terrible game of choice I thought I was a shoe-in but I quickly heard back that the BBC thought my approach was old fashioned.”

“Games like hunt the thimble, hopscotch, and blind man's bluff are timeless. Anyway I offered to meet the BBC half way,” the Toymaker gestures angrily to a pile containing Ludo, Snakes And Ladders, a Vectrex console and a first edition Dungeons And Dragons Dungeon Master's Guide. “They made some feeble excuse about Health And Safety, before finally admitting that they though I was out of date! Then the BBC stopped returning my telegrams.”

“The Dream Lord?" The Toymaker sneers, “he's just an aspect of the Doctor's personality. Getting the same person to play two parts is simply a way for the BBC to cut down on the casting budget.”

“Would you like to play one of my games?” The Celestial Toymaker asks, pulling out a Cluedo set,” I've lost the Lead Pipe and the Revolver, so we'll have to make do with this piece of Lego and a lump of Blue tac, but I've still got most of the cards and we can use the dice from Monopoly.” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Ironically in their quest for the new, Doctor Who bosses also ignored an already established aspect of the Doctor's personality, the Valeyard. “I couldn't believe what I saw a couple of Saturdays ago,” the Valeyard seethes, “what is the point of creating another version of the Doctor's dark side?” “I'm a distillation of all the Doctor's evil between his twelfth and final regenerations, or something. I plotted to overthrow the High Council of the Time Lords; or steal the Doctor's remaining regenerations; I think; I had a Particle Disseminator and everything, although I forget what that was for. I definitely did put the Doctor on trial for his life, although I forget why I did that now. It seemed like a good idea. Anyway I'm pretty sure I survived. It was a crazy, confusing time. Colin Baker's coat gave me a migraine.”

Some however refuse to believe the BBC could treat them in the same way. “Get offffff the liine fooolisssssssssh hummaaaan,” The Ice Warriors told us.” The BBC could beeeee aaaatemptiiiiing to calllllll ussssssss right nooooow.”

We phoned the Rani for a comment but she was out getting her hair done.

1963 And All That

Being A Nice And Accurate Guide To The Complete History Of Doctor Who

Chapter XXVI: The Gathering Storm.
Russell T. Davies: The Welsh Nightingale

Russell The Davies, often abbreviated to Russell T. Davies, was born in a boat in the small Welsh village of Upper on 23rd November 1963. A figure of great importance in Davies' early life was the local Policeman, Dennis The Potter; known locally as the Singing Detective after his many appearances at Icetedfodd, the Welsh equivalent of the Ice Capades. When Davies was choosing a career he spoke to Potter and asked his advice. “Go west, young man,” Potter told him, and go west Davies did; to London where he planned to seek his fortune as a writer.

Unfortunately at the time the BBC Charter allowed only one Welshman to work within the city walls of London. The current BBC Welshman was Terry The Nation (or the National Treasure as he became known in his small Welsh home town of Swansea after he found the keys of the Marina) who wrote jokes for the Daleks, and later created the science-fiction series Hancock's Half Hour Journey Into Space. With London no longer an option Davies travelled instead to Manchester where he wrote his first script Century Falls, starring the titanic actress Kate Winslett as The Falls and Jaqqueline Pearce as The Century.

When Terry The Nation left London for Los Angelsey the post of Welshman to the BBC became vacant and Davies returned to the city in triumph. This became known as the Second Coming and was the subject of Davies' next script Mine All Mine which celebrated the events that led to him becoming Lord Mayor of Cardiff after winning the small city during a raffle held at the Welsh BAFTAs.

In 2005 Davies was startled by a Yeti on his toilet in Tooting Broadway and became fascinated by aliens of London. Inspired he created the idea for a new science fiction television series, a remake of Doctor Who, which became a smash hit after the script for one episode was written in forty five minutes to avert World War 3.

And the rest is history [citation needed].

Next Week: Chapter XXV He Who Calls The Piper Plays The Companion: In which Russell T. Davies is replaced by little Miss Muffat and her tuffet (Matt Smith or possibly Amy Pond).

I'm On A Seafood Diet

Innuendo Watch

After a strong showing in Flesh And Stone the phrase 'Amy Pond's crack' (as in "did you see Doctor Who this week? The Weeping Angels fell into Amy Pond's crack and totally disappeared!") remains funny this week.

Our panel of independent assessors have awarded 'Amy Pond's crack' a rating of 4.2 on the Croft-Lloyd scale; roughly equivalent to one verse of the George Formby song With My Little Stick Of Blackpool Rock, Barbara Windsor holding a lovely pear, or seven Punch cartoons of a Vicar looking at a hen house and congratulating the farmer on the size of his cockerel.

Previous innuendos in Doctor Who have included The Space Museum where the first Doctor is caught by the Moroks, the fourth Doctor announcing that his medical friend Harry Sullivan is "only qualified to work on sailors" and the Rani, in Time And The Rani, saying "leave the girl, it's the man I want". None have rated higher than the playground joke about a woman with a missing dog called Titswobble.

TOP MARKS: Live from the town of Intercourse Pennsylvania our panel of judges give Amy Pond's crack it's best score yet!

The Croft-Lloyd scale is logarithmic and to achieve a rating of 5.0, Amy Pond's crack will need to compare with a five minute sequence of misunderstandings from 'Allo 'Allo including; flashing knobs; Monsieur LeClerc wearing a pair of exploding trousers; and Lieutenant Gruber hiding the Knockwurst containing the Fallen Madonna With The Big Bobbies down his trousers and inviting Rene into his little tank to help pull the sausage out.

It is extremely unlikely that the phrase will ever reach a rating of 10 (or fifty megacarryons). The highest score of any innuendo to date is Mrs Slocombe's pussy which rated 8.6 in March 1977 after being left outside during a heavy rainstorm. Long term exposure to this level of innuendo is toxic and can lead to sniggering, mucking about, and eye-rolling while pulling a shocked face and saying,”ooh Matron, take them away.”