Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Innuendo Watch

After a strong showing in Flesh And Stone the phrase 'Amy Pond's crack' (as in "did you see Doctor Who this week? The Weeping Angels fell into Amy Pond's crack and totally disappeared!") remains funny this week.

Our panel of independent assessors have awarded 'Amy Pond's crack' a rating of 4.2 on the Croft-Lloyd scale; roughly equivalent to one verse of the George Formby song With My Little Stick Of Blackpool Rock, Barbara Windsor holding a lovely pear, or seven Punch cartoons of a Vicar looking at a hen house and congratulating the farmer on the size of his cockerel.

Previous innuendos in Doctor Who have included The Space Museum where the first Doctor is caught by the Moroks, the fourth Doctor announcing that his medical friend Harry Sullivan is "only qualified to work on sailors" and the Rani, in Time And The Rani, saying "leave the girl, it's the man I want". None have rated higher than the playground joke about a woman with a missing dog called Titswobble.

TOP MARKS: Live from the town of Intercourse Pennsylvania our panel of judges give Amy Pond's crack it's best score yet!

The Croft-Lloyd scale is logarithmic and to achieve a rating of 5.0, Amy Pond's crack will need to compare with a five minute sequence of misunderstandings from 'Allo 'Allo including; flashing knobs; Monsieur LeClerc wearing a pair of exploding trousers; and Lieutenant Gruber hiding the Knockwurst containing the Fallen Madonna With The Big Bobbies down his trousers and inviting Rene into his little tank to help pull the sausage out.

It is extremely unlikely that the phrase will ever reach a rating of 10 (or fifty megacarryons). The highest score of any innuendo to date is Mrs Slocombe's pussy which rated 8.6 in March 1977 after being left outside during a heavy rainstorm. Long term exposure to this level of innuendo is toxic and can lead to sniggering, mucking about, and eye-rolling while pulling a shocked face and saying,”ooh Matron, take them away.”