Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Why Don't They Call?

Doctor Who Monsters Slam Heartless BBC Recasting Policy

Scythia the Silurian no longer spends her time sitting by the phone, hope has turned to disappointment. "When we heard that the Silurians were returning to Doctor Who, everyone in my clutch-brood was excited but after a while we realised the BBC were not going to phone and ask us to be in the new series. It was such a shame.”

But the Silurians are not the only Doctor Who villains to be left out in the cold by Steven Moffat and his heartless Doctor Who mandarins. We spoke to heartless Doctor Who Mandarin, the Celestial Toymaker.

“I was the original and best,” fumes the Celestial Toymaker, “I was the one who came up with the idea of playing games with the Doctor and his friends.”

“When I head that a story this year featured the Doctor caught in a terrible game of choice I thought I was a shoe-in but I quickly heard back that the BBC thought my approach was old fashioned.”

“Games like hunt the thimble, hopscotch, and blind man's bluff are timeless. Anyway I offered to meet the BBC half way,” the Toymaker gestures angrily to a pile containing Ludo, Snakes And Ladders, a Vectrex console and a first edition Dungeons And Dragons Dungeon Master's Guide. “They made some feeble excuse about Health And Safety, before finally admitting that they though I was out of date! Then the BBC stopped returning my telegrams.”

“The Dream Lord?" The Toymaker sneers, “he's just an aspect of the Doctor's personality. Getting the same person to play two parts is simply a way for the BBC to cut down on the casting budget.”

“Would you like to play one of my games?” The Celestial Toymaker asks, pulling out a Cluedo set,” I've lost the Lead Pipe and the Revolver, so we'll have to make do with this piece of Lego and a lump of Blue tac, but I've still got most of the cards and we can use the dice from Monopoly.” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Ironically in their quest for the new, Doctor Who bosses also ignored an already established aspect of the Doctor's personality, the Valeyard. “I couldn't believe what I saw a couple of Saturdays ago,” the Valeyard seethes, “what is the point of creating another version of the Doctor's dark side?” “I'm a distillation of all the Doctor's evil between his twelfth and final regenerations, or something. I plotted to overthrow the High Council of the Time Lords; or steal the Doctor's remaining regenerations; I think; I had a Particle Disseminator and everything, although I forget what that was for. I definitely did put the Doctor on trial for his life, although I forget why I did that now. It seemed like a good idea. Anyway I'm pretty sure I survived. It was a crazy, confusing time. Colin Baker's coat gave me a migraine.”

Some however refuse to believe the BBC could treat them in the same way. “Get offffff the liine fooolisssssssssh hummaaaan,” The Ice Warriors told us.” The BBC could beeeee aaaatemptiiiiing to calllllll ussssssss right nooooow.”

We phoned the Rani for a comment but she was out getting her hair done.