The End Of Time Update

Many Shouting Into A Well readers commented on the interference which affected the credits at the close of The End Of Time part one. As a public service we are pleased to print a screen grab of the continuity caption which so many people were unable to see.



In Other NewsNew Hoodie Gang Terrorises London

Happy Christmas

Going... going... gone

In sixteen days time David Tennant will regenerate into Matt Smith [SPOILER] but what will his last words be? For those of you thinking of placing a bet here are the latest odds.

1) "Rose!" 1-5
2) "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" 1-2
3) "Keep back" 3-5
4) "What? What? WHAT?" 4-5
5) "Goodbye" 1-1
6) "Uh-oh, it looks like I'm regenerating" 3-1
7) "This is really painful" 4-1
8) "I've just remembered I left the kettle on" 10-1
9) "Rubbish, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." 50-1
10) "Ouch! My bottom" 100-1

The Mary Whitehouse Experience*

Hello. I am the ghost of Mary Whitehouse. Wooooooooooo! When I'm not solving crimes with my detective partner I still monitor programmes which I found unsuitable during my time on Earth. I've made a list of the most inappropriate new Doctor Who stories and passed them on to Shouting Into A Well with the help of my friend Mrs Stokes.

Bad Wolf: This story glamorises Big Brother, a most unsuitable programme for children. This story also features gratuitous nudity when Captain Jack takes off all his clothes. You can see everything; bits, fairly naughty bits, and naughty bits. The only things you can't see are the extremely naughty bits. I must admit that, this shocking lapse of decency aside, I do like the Captain Jack character. Such a cheeky smile. One of these days that John Barrowman is going to make a lovely husband for some lucky lady.Tooth And Claw: This story pokes fun at the royal family in a most disrespectful way. It's not fair. They can't answer back you know.

Doomsday: Rose's mother is with child, by her father. I expect you're thinking," what's wrong with that?" I'll tell you what's wrong, they're not married! They are from different universes. Rose's Dad was married to Rose's Mum in one universe and Rose's Mum was married to Rose's Dad in another. It's nothing but the adulation of adultery and with the alternate version of the partner they were already married to but now aren't because they were married to the other one from their other universe.
No, I'm getting mixed up. it can't be adultery because each of their partners was dead before they met the other one of the person they had already married in the other universe. I'm pretty sure there's something immoral going on though.
The Cybermen are all nude as well!

OoooeeeeeOOOeeeeOOOOOOeeeeeeeoooo a death shall come upon this house! Oh dearie me. Sorry about that I think Mrs Stokes is picking another message. She says it's not her fault, apparently she is getting interference from another spirit level but I think a bad workman always blames his tools.

Gridlock: There's a lovely hymn in this story but the whole thing is quite unsuitable. A lady has maritial relations with a cat and then gives birth to kittens. Oh dear. I think I need a sit down and a cup of ghost tea. Disgraceful.

Voyage Of The D*mned: Apart from the fact that that the title has a swear word in it, and on Chistmas Day too, the shame, this story could make children afraid of going on boats.

Partners In Crime: The Adipose look very sweet but they are born out of both ladies and men. If children start thinking men can have babies who knows what could happen Not only that but even when the babies come from ladies they don't just come out of their tummies but anywhere on the ladies body. What are children meant to make of that?

The Unicorn And The Wasp: It's Gridlock all over again but this time with a bee!

The Doctor's Daughter: The Hath have lascivious eyes.

*This headline is reused from Doctor Who Magazine issue 327 (05/03/2003) in accordance with EU sustainability legislation (Directive 2002/96/EC) requiring a target of at least 30% joke recycling by 2010.
Shouting into a Well is committed to protecting your future by recycling other people's puns and is proud to guarantee that no less than five percent of all letters used in this blog come from sustainable sources.

Merchandising News

Animal Magnetism has announced it is discontinuing its range of Doctor Who costumes.
Two costumes were issued for the first wave of releases Sisters of Plenitude: My Kitten Dress-Up Kit (from the episodes New Earth and Gridlock) which came with a whimple, thermometer and guide to training your kitten to take your temperature, pictured left, and Tritovore: My Fly Dress-Up Kit (Planet Of The Dead), pictured below actual size.
Sales of both costumes were lower than hoped but the final decision to cancel the range came after the company's headquarters was badly damaged while testing the next release Judoon: My Rhinoceros Dress-Up Kit (Smith and Jones, The Stolen Earth, and Sarah Jane Adventures: Prisoner Of The Judoon); several employees were also gored.

News Update

Back in April this year Shouting Into A Well asked if the Doctor was correct when he claimed that,” water always wins.” Results at the time gave water an actual victory rate of 81.81818% . With the broadcast of The Waters of Mars those results can now be reassessed.

Water does not score a clear victory in The Waters of Mars. It is undoubtedly on the way to winning when play is interrupted by Captain Adelaide Brooke's detonation of Bowie Base One. In the event the judging panel decided that this result was a draw bringing water's final victory rate down to 75%. With nine wins, two defeats and a draw water now goes on to meet Blackburn in the semi-final.

Inevitably, it's Daleks In Need

Rough Guide to Mars

Introduction to Mars

Mars' reputation as the most monster filled planet in the solar system is well deserved. Remember the Mars Tourist Board's most successful slogan of recent years was “Mars. You won't always die horribly.”[1] Even this resulted in several lawsuits from grieving families which were only lost on the technicality that their loved ones were still living; albeit as drooling water-spewing monstrosities, irradiated spacemen, or prisoners of robot Egyptian Mummies.

That said, Mars has some of the most breathtaking scenery in the solar system and the video wills of several tourists have spoken of their amazement at the view while being thrown off the summit of Olympus Mons, or the magic of being chased, sobbing with fear, along the side of the Valles Marineris while Mars' twin moons Phobos and Deimos rise over the horizon.

This guide will give you a good idea of what to do, where to go, and tips on planning a low cost funeral.

Exploring Mars

South Mars: Home to the Ice Warriors, probably the most friendly of Mars' population of terrifying aliens. Their attitude to tourists has mellowed in recent years and you are now much less likely to be immediately shot on sight. Several tourists have led reasonably long lives as experimental specimens testing the Ice Warriors assorted plans to invade Earth. Another reason to avoid this section of Mars is the protracted legal dispute between the Ice Warriors and NASA; ever since NASA discovered the real reason its Mars Probes kept failing the writs have been flying, you really don't want to get subpoenaed as a witness.

East Mars: Forget it. The Fendahl passed through here nine million years ago and the place is deader than the corpses of the tourists that litter the rest of the Martian landscape.

North Mars: At some time in the 1970s or 1980s, records from that period are unclear, alien ambassadors from space stopped off on Mars on their way to Earth. Unfortunately a few of them remained and they are fiercely radioactive. Do not shake hands no matter how rude this makes you appear.

South-West Mars: Egyptian God Horus, for reasons best known to himself, built an enormous pyramid here as part of a plan to imprison his brother Sutekh on Earth. The pyramid remains but the reaction of most tourists is to its' collection of hoary old logic puzzles and spot the difference tests will be boredom. Boredom followed by terror, the Pyramid is also full of killer robot Egyptian Mummies which no one can deactivate.

Equatorial Mars: The previous location of Bowie Base One, radiation from the bases' explosion still lingers and can be relied on to provide a surprising reminder of your visit; possibly a third arm (or a fourth if you've already shaken hands with the alien ambassadors). It's best to stick to bottled water.
TOP TOURIST TRAVEL TIP: Don't drink any bottled water which you didn't bring in yourself, the surprisingly persistent drink vendors who work in the area often have an ulterior motive.

Continue to:
Where to stay
Things to see
Eating out
Surviving longer than twelve minutes

[1] Other slogans were “Mars: If you go at night the monsters probably can't see you”, “Mars: A good place to get away from life” and “Mars is SO bracing” the poster for which had to be withdrawn after a copyright dispute with the Skegness Tourist Board.

We're Smiles Better

Uplink Error.... Please Wait...

Error #532682: Archangel Uplink not established. Signal lock failed. Scheduled update changing to Wednesdays. Please wait. Vote Saxon.

Goin' On A Holiday. Part Three

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Goin' On A Holiday. Part Two

Click picture to see full size.



!Exciting Competition!

In an unlikely turn of events -and an unwelcome intrusion of reality into a blog which is otherwise Doctor Who related whimsy-, Shouting Into A Well is going undercover at the Hurricane Who Convention.

If you are there see if you can guess which of the guests spends far too long making pictures of Abba with Donna Noble's face, or thinking up bad places to hide the Osterhagen Key. No prizes, it's just for fun, but if you work it out come and say hello, otherwise I'll just spend the weekend blinking in the unaccustomed sunlight and worrying about whether Gareth David-Lloyd might be offended if asked to sign a colour printout of this

Thank You For The Spoilers

Abba-solutely astonishing! That's been the reaction to news that the lyrics for Abba's 1975 song Mamma Mia appear to predict the story of Catherine Tate's Donna Noble character

"This is Abba-solutely remarkable," said one Abba expert apparently unaware that Shouting Into A Well sub-editors had already planned to go with the Abba-solutely astonishing pun.

This is not the first time that plotlines for television shows have been uncovered in other media. During 1980 Blake's 7 fans were alerted to the departure of Gareth Thomas from the series by coded revelations within the lyrics to Macarthur Park, by Richard Harris, while Dallas fans were disgusted to discover the identity of the shooter of J.R. carved inside The Great Pyramid of Cheops

Doctor Who fans are now scrutinising other Abba song lyrics in the hope of uncovering spoilers for the forthcoming specials and series five.

That Mamma Mia analysis in full.

I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
A clear reference to Donna's husband to be, Lance, tricking her during the Christmas Invasion.

So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Donna decides that searching for the Doctor will break her out of the her currently unhappy life.

Look at me now, will I ever learn?
A constant theme through series four is Donna's low self-esteem and belief that she is useless and no one special.

I don't know how but I suddenly lose control
After merging with the Doctor's mind in Journey's End, Donna begins to lose control.

There's a fire within my soul
Fire is a recurring image through series four of Doctor Who; The Fires of Pompeii; the burning sky in The Poison Sky; the Firestone given to Lady Clemency Eddison, a gift from her Vespiform lover, in The Unicorn And The Wasp; the fire which nearly consumes the TARDIS in Journey's End.

Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
The TARDIS' Cloister Bell (which sounds when the ship is in serious danger) rings at the end of Turn Left.

One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh
Donna's memories of her adventures with the Doctor are erased at the end of the series four story Journey's End.

Mamma mia,
This either refers to Rocco Colastanto the Italian whose family shared a house with Donna in the alternate world of the story Turn Left, or the exclamation of surprise used by the Italian residents of Pompeii when they saw Vesuvius erupt in The Fires of Pompeii.

here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
The above lines undoubtedly refer to Donna's feelings of regret after she turned down the Doctor's offer of travel in The Runaway Bride.

New Doctor Who Branding Revealed

The first pictures of the new Doctor Who logo and branding were released to the press on Tuesday last week.

A spokesman for the BBC said," we hope that the positioning and branding of the new logo on Doctor Who will please the fans; at least more than it did Matt, anyway."

This news comes amid speculation that Matt Smith's face will appear in the title sequence, a first for the series since the days of Sylvester McCoy in the late 1980s...

Read More

Obvious Jokes Dept.

FlashForward Deleted Scene

INT. OFFICE DAY
David S. Goyer and Brannon Braga, the creators of FlashForward, lie unconscious on the floor. Along with the rest of humanity they are seeing a vision of their future six months from now. The camera zooms in on their faces and we mix to see what they are experiencing.

CUT TO INT. SAME OFFICE DAY
Brannon sits looking anxious, the door opens. David enters.
DAVID: Our show's been cancelled.

Goin' On A Holiday. Part One

Click picture to see full size.

What We Need Is A Brand New Way To Be Original

When Doctor Who comes back next year it's going to need an eye-catching gimmick to grab the attention of an increasingly jaded press; 3D episodes, live episodes, black and white episodes, musical episodes, animated episodes. They've all been done. Here are some more suggestions.

1. Everyone is invisible.
2. Silhouettes.
3. Smell-o-vision.
4. An episode that's filmed by the cast and acted by the technical crew.
5. Haiku dialogue:
Daleks conquered Earth
mankind is now enslaved
clouds weep tears of rain
6. A secret episode. Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and the rest of the cast perform the episode at an undisclosed location, it is never broadcast and no one talks about it.
7. Doctor Who on stilts!
8. A 4D episode (not sure how this one would work, maybe the picture would have length, width, height and passage of time or the sets could be designed with non-Euclidean geometry)
9. Invisible silhouettes! On stilts!!
10. A true live episode, Matt Smith and Karen Gillan perform the script in your living room while Steven Moffat pushes script pages under the door (a potential logistical nightmare)

Film Dialogue That Has Taken On A New Meaning Since The Film Was First Released
Number X in a series of Y
Goldeneye (1995)
Jack Wade speaking to James Bond and Natalya Simonova: "Maybe you two'd like to finish debriefing each other at Guantanamo?"

Using Your Doctor Who Action Figures To Recreate Scenes From Other Television Series

Number 7136: One Foot In The Grave

Requires: Doctor Constantine as Victor Meldrew, and Grandma Connolly as Margaret Meldrew.
Sample Dialogue:
Victor: Hello dear, I'm home, and... and... what the? Your face has been eaten by the television set! I don't believe it!

Next Week: Using Your Doctor Who Action Figures To Recreate Scenes From Other Television Series Number 7137: Watchdog.
Recreating BBC1's consumer programme using two Judoon Trooper figures as The Rogue Traders, The Editor as the sleazy businessman in his suit and tie, and Lady Cassandra as Anne Robinson.

DVD News

As A New Trailer Is Added To The Twin Dilemma DVD We Have Shocking Evidence That The Start-up Sequence On Doctor Who Discs Is Now Too Long*


You: The Jury

We asked," Do you find the DVD start-up sequence too long on Doctor Who Discs?"

"I find they go past really quickly," Methuselah.
"Much, much too long," A. Mayfly.
"More boring than my day job," Sisyphus, Hades.
"Tedious, over-long, boring and... sorry I thought we were talking about The Twin Dilemma!!" Mike Giggler, via email.

*rather like this headline

Merchandising Update

With the new year approaching Shouting Into A Well takes a look at the latest batch of calendars due to hit the shops soon.

The 365 Sontarans A Year Wall Calandar: A daily calendar featuring 365 individual pictures of a race of clones who all wear the same type of battle armour.
Rating: Monotonous.

Naked Cybermen: Cybus Industries' latest doomed attempt to convince the public to have their brains scooped out of their heads and placed in metal shells. A series of pictures of Cybermen in various states of undress which, according to the press release aims to,” show that under the skin of iron is a warm beating human heart.” This is only too clearly demonstrated in the picture for October which looks like a scene from Hellraiser.
Rating: Unbelievably disgusting.

The Official Vashta Nerada Calendar: Initially disappointing effort from the microscopic creatures who live in shadows, it appears to be nothing but twelve blank, black pages. However the Vashta Nerada assure Shouting Into A Well that each calendar is impregnated with billions of eggs guaranteed to hatch, swarm and devour purchasers when night falls.
Rating: To die for!

Waterskiing Werewolves: An unusual charity calendar produced by the Brethren of St Catherine's Glen Monastery. Impressive photography raising money for a worthy cause, a pound from each calendar sold goes towards infecting Prince Charles with Lycanthropy, makes this an excellent buy.
Rating: lupus magnus est, lupus fortis est, lupus deus est.

Just Daleks In Hats: Like the title says, twelve A4 sized pictures of Daleks going about their daily business enslaving other races, making Pig Slaves, and plotting the total destruction of all matter in the universe while wearing a selection of hats. Interestingly enough one of the Daleks in the photo for July, (Daleks in berets destroy the Eiffel Tower, caption:”ooh la-la!”) is also wearing a cravat.
Rating: Stylish.

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

Bank Holiday Fun with John Lumic

"Hello children everywhere! Uncle John here with some games for you to play this Bank Holiday."

British Bulldog: All the players line up on one side of a garden or field with a Cyberman in the middle. On the word go all the players run for the opposite side of the field. If the Cyberman catches someone they are upgraded and join the Cyberman in the middle. The game ends when everyone has been converted.

If it's raining then why not try these indoors games.

Musical Chairs: First count how many players you have. In the middle of a room place a line of chairs that is one less than the number of players. Play some music, everyone must keep dancing round the line of chairs until the music stops when Cybermen burst in and upgrade everyone.

Bobbing for Apples: Fill a tub with water and float apples in it. The players must try to grab an apple with their mouths while a Cyberman roams the room upgrading the audience. Remember, using your hands or resisting upgrading is cheating!

Uncle John's Puzzle Maze

Can you join the orderly queue and march through the maze to the conversion chamber where you will become part of Uncle John's vision for the destiny of mankind?

Star Profile: The Vespiform

He's the bee's knees!


Name: Arnold Golightly.
Born: 1885, India.
Appeared in: The Unicorn and the Wasp (2008), as Himself.

Other roles:

(2009) That Mitchell and Webb Look, episode 4, as Hideous Giant Wasp.
(2007) Black Swarm, as Killer Wasp.
(1997) Anaconda, as Wasp
(1992) Frasier, as Delivery Man (2 episodes)
(1986) The Fly, as Wasp (scenes deleted).



Let Us Play

Being a weekly guide for children of all ages who wish to play games adapted from their favourite television programmes.

This week, BBC1's The Tripods. A game for three players.

The rules: The players sit on the ground bored and every now and again one of them says," you know I was sure something was going to happen this week."

Next week: Let Us Play Brimstone and Treacle.

The Inevitable Disappointing Summer Replacement

In the tradition of television channels scheduling series in the summer death slot, while the audience is outside enjoying the good weather, Shouting into a well presents Space:1999.

The exciting titles for the second series of Space:1999 include a shot of Moonbase Commander John Koenig spinning round in his chair and opening fire with his laser gun. What could possibly have provoked such a furious reaction?

1. "Surprise!"
2. "I'm going to the coffee machine Commander, another espresso?"
3. "Raaaagh! I am the monster of the week!"
4. "Your agent called, how do you feel about doing series three?"
5. "Koenig is a shmuck"
6. "I've printed out a list from the internet that gives one hundred reasons why Captain Kirk is better than you."
7. "How come you're doing this series when you won an Emmy for Mission: Impossible?"
8. "Reaction test! Go!"
9. "Who wants to listen to Céline Dion?"
10."How are the anger management classes going John?"

101 Uses For a Dead Ianto Jones*

[Numbers 1 to 10]

*Warning, possible spoiler for Ianto's death in Torchwood Children of Earth**



** Actually, that's probably a spoiler as well; sorry.

Those (Radio) Times

The evening schedule for 1st June 1953.



Erratum

Due to an editing error last week the phrase," insert the sonic probe deep into the chest cavity until the required genetic material has been extracted" was added to Miss Foster's article The 10 DOs of Good Babysitting. It should in fact have been part of the feature Building Your Own Army of Evil by Davros. We apologise for any confusion this may have caused.

Erratum (above) should read Erata.

Erata (above) should read Errata.

Who's Wearing What?

Exclusive to all newspapers

With the unveiling of Matt Smith's new costume an overworked junior reporter takes a look back at what other Doctors were wearing during the decades that fashion forgot!


David Tennant, he made wearing a crumpled brown suit look good.





Here he is again. In a dinner jacket!






And another picture of David Tennant looking full on gorgeous in blue!





Christopher Eccleston looked a bit hard and not as nice as David Tennant.





Paul McGann. Fans call him the forgotten Doctor. I'll never forget David Tennant.





Sylvester McCoy wore a lot of question marks and was Scotch. Like the lovely David Tennant.





Colin Baker wore bright colours! Eventually he was put on trial by his own people; for crimes against fashion!




Peter Davison. I remember him, he played a vet [sub please insert joke about the Doctor's worst enemy being Thatcher].




Tom Baker had a long scarf. It was the seventies when people like Twiggy and Slade wore mad clothes.




The other three. They wore clothes and some of them were black and white, imagine that!

Torchwood: Children of Earth - From Script to Screen

Exclusive to Shouting into a Well, a page from Russell T. Davies' first draft of Children of Earth plus his comments.



Notes
1. We're building up to the big reveal of the 456 here. This is all about stringing out the tension as much as possible.

2. And remind the audience that this is an event which will have an impact outside the closed world of Floor 13.

3. Clem's history with the 456 was established in the first episode but this is his first sight of a nightmare which has haunted him almost all his life . Gwen's lack of reaction here is lovely. She's such a caring person normally but showing her so wrapped up in her own shock really gets the audience wondering what she can see. A very human moment.

4. I loved this moment of revelation. The idea that the 456 were fake took Captain Jack back to his roots in The Empty Child (never try to con a conman!) and was a twist the audience would never predict. Everyone was keen (except John Barrowman, he didn't get it, but but not growing up in Britain -he's Canadian or something- means he missed shows like Emu's Broadcasting Company and Emu's World and he doesn't have the same nostalgia for Rod Hull) but we hit problems pretty quickly.
Rod, of course, sadly died in 1999 and his presence here would have to be created using stand-ins, CGI, processed archive footage and a voice double. We would have been wasting money that could be better spent elsewhere. I still miss Rod Hull's presence though.
So in the next draft we ended up changing the 456 to real aliens. This had the advantage of strengthening other moments in the script such as Ianto's death. It becomes more meaningful both as a demonstration of the power of the 456 and emotionally for the characters and audience; rather than an awkward slapstick sequence with Ianto and Jack being chased around Floor 13 by a shrieking children's television presenter who attacks them with a fake alien on his arm, pretending to peck at them, until the pair fall out of a window. The aliens' motives are also clearer in the next draft, originally there were some problems with what Rod Hull wanted to do with 10% of the Earth's children; he planned to take them away to his Pink Windmill for reasons that never really become clear.

5. And we're off! A good way to avoid viewers dwelling on difficult moments in the plot is to show characters reacting as you imagine the audience might be at home.

Different: how the reveal of the true nature of the 456 might have looked.

Tanks a Lot

Torchwood: Children of Earth

Dress Matt Smith

Bored with that one publicity picture of Matt Smith?
Finding the wait for the unveiling of the new costume unbearable?
Can't wait until filming starts again?

Then Shouting into a Well's Dress Matt Smith Kit is for you!

Design a Doctor Who costume! Pretend to be Steven Moffat! Choose a new look for the new Doctor! Fill time!

Here's how it works:

Below is a collection of exciting costumes, some old and some new, plus some props that Matt Smith's Doctor might find handy. All you need to do is click on the picture to expand it to full size, print it and carefully cut out the shapes (you may want to get a Torchwood fan, or an adult to help you with this).

Once you are done, click on and print out the picture of Matt Smith, also provided, and place the clothes on to get the look you want.

The possibilities are infinite*

It's that easy!



Just look at these results.





* infinite used in the sense of great or large. The interactive Dress Matt Smith kit is in no sense boundless; it does not have a value greater than any arbitrarily large value; it is not unlimited in spacial extent; it is not a set capable of being put into one-to-one correspondence with a proper subset of itself; it is not without beginning or end; it does not extend beyond measure or comprehension.

Here We Come

Who are 'We'? In the absence of any Doctor Who related news (except for pictures of Matt Smith eating toast in Cannes) here are ten suggestions for the "We"s who could be coming in Torchwood, Children of Earth

1. The Kinda from Deva Loka.
2. Aliens of some description.
3. The Monkees.
4. Multiple Radio Times covers.
5. The Borg.
6. The Rouge Traders.
7. Virgilio Anderson.
8. The new Doctor Who production team.
9. Bugs Bunny (he should have turned left at Alberquirque).
10. The Midwich Cuckoos

Croeso i Torchwood

More details have been released of the proposed Torchwood Exhibition in Cardiff.

Visitors will take the role of a Torchwood recruit and become involved in a series of interactive displays featuring recreations of Torchwood sets, props, costumes and moments from the show.

Each visitor is issued with a swipe card which can be used to assess their 'Torchwood Quotient' by answering questions on the series as they pass through the exhibition which includes ; a welcome video message and briefing from Captain Jack (actor John Barrowman); recreation of 'The Hub' set; Alien Sex Gas attack; Cyberwoman attack; Cannibalistic Welsh Villagers attack; an exhibition of props and costumes; Weevil attack; a special effects display (includes an attack by Abbadon); plus an exciting finale where visitors must prevent the Turnmill Nuclear Power Plant from going into meltdown.

Survivors will then be rated according to their performance. Visitors who pass will be dosed with the amnesia drug Retcon and then asked if they would like to see the Cardiff Torchwood exhibition, those who fail will be buried alive in a grave under Cardiff for a thousand years in an authentic recreation of the exciting events of the series two episode Exit Wounds.

Your Letters Answered On The Internet's Liveliest Problem Page

With your host, the Beast

Dear The Beast,

After many years together my partner has recently begun turning into some sort of giant scorpion and is trying to suck out my vital juices in an effort to stay young. Please reply quickly as the situation is becoming urgent.

Lady T
London

THE BEAST SAYS," You will die; and I shall live."

Please send your letters to
"The Beast - The King of Despair, The Deathless Prince, The Bringer of the Night,He Who Bathes in the Black Sun, The Sin,The Temptation, The Deceiver, The Pain, The Loss, The Death of Hope, Fury, Rage, Death, The Darkness, The Vile, The Ferocity, The Price, The Fool, The Agony, The Fear, The Vanity, The Obsession, The Lust, The Urge to Jump, The Urge to Fall.
PO BOX 921
London

The Beast regrets that he is unable to enter into individual correspondence due to being chained in a pit for all eternity.

In Other News

Graph raises fan's concern that by 2014 unskippable Doctor Who DVD introductions and copyright information will last over two minutes.