Monday, July 21, 2008

Please Mr. Toastman

Characters in films and television are always concocting plans, whether it's to conquer the world using deadly orchid venom bombs or thwarting "evil since the dawn of time". They're all at it, heroes and villains alike. But how would they cope when asked to do something simple like making some toast? That's been the question that this year's International Toast Making Championship has tried to answer. Let's see how the latest contestants did.

The Daleks: Doctor Who's arch foes set to work conquering a neighbouring planet and putting its inhabitants to work making toast within huge slave factories. After only a few days the Daleks had made vast mountains of toast, more in fact than any one person could possibly eat in a lifetime. " We are the Masters of toast. We are the Masters of toast," grated the Dalek Supreme.
Result: A massive, if somewhat over compensatory, success from the insecure metal pepper pots.

Heroes: A team effort that started well as Peter Petrelli used telekinesis to slice the bread and lift it into a jet of fire provided by Claire's pyrokinetic mother. When the bread was browned to perfection Hiro Nakamura teleported the toast onto a plate and it was ready for serving. Sadly at this point the Heroes team made a terrible mistake. Peter's "Irish" girlfriend Caitlin was chosen to deliver the toast to the waiting judge. "Bejasus! Here be ye toast zur", she said as the plate was handed over causing the judge to be sick and lose his appetite.
Result: Failed.

The team from Lost were disqualified after failing to turn up.

The Daleks were the winners of this round (of toast!) and go on to the quarter finals where they will face Godzilla, the family from Lost in Space, Batman and this years 100-1 outsider The Man From Atlantis.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The Ape of Things to Come

Films to revitalise the Planet of the Apes franchise

Planet of the Giant Walking and Talking Statues of Liberty
: A clever twist on the original. Watch out for the exciting ending where Charlton Heston walks down a beach and releases that he is still on Earth when he finds an ape buried up to its waist in the sand.

Planet of the Same Planet that Charlton Heston Just Left in His Spaceship: Charlton Heston arrives on a planet that he finds eerily familiar, watch out for the exciting twist ending when he realises that his mission has bought him home exactly as planned.

Journey to the Centre of the Planet of the Apes: Charlton Heston meets dinosaur apes at the Earth's core.

Planet of the Charlton Heston's: Charlton Heston arrives on a planet that has been over-run by... HIM. Note, possibly too many Charlton Heston's.

Beneath the Battle for the Escape from the Conquest of the Planet of the Apes: The low budget option, an exciting compilation of scenes from the other films.

Planet of the Apes in Space: Apes...... IN SPACE!

Planet of the Planets: Probably too expensive and stupid for words.

Plant of the Apes: Charlton Heston lands his space ship in a banana tree.