Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Rough Guide to Mars

Introduction to Mars

Mars' reputation as the most monster filled planet in the solar system is well deserved. Remember the Mars Tourist Board's most successful slogan of recent years was “Mars. You won't always die horribly.”[1] Even this resulted in several lawsuits from grieving families which were only lost on the technicality that their loved ones were still living; albeit as drooling water-spewing monstrosities, irradiated spacemen, or prisoners of robot Egyptian Mummies.

That said, Mars has some of the most breathtaking scenery in the solar system and the video wills of several tourists have spoken of their amazement at the view while being thrown off the summit of Olympus Mons, or the magic of being chased, sobbing with fear, along the side of the Valles Marineris while Mars' twin moons Phobos and Deimos rise over the horizon.

This guide will give you a good idea of what to do, where to go, and tips on planning a low cost funeral.

Exploring Mars

South Mars: Home to the Ice Warriors, probably the most friendly of Mars' population of terrifying aliens. Their attitude to tourists has mellowed in recent years and you are now much less likely to be immediately shot on sight. Several tourists have led reasonably long lives as experimental specimens testing the Ice Warriors assorted plans to invade Earth. Another reason to avoid this section of Mars is the protracted legal dispute between the Ice Warriors and NASA; ever since NASA discovered the real reason its Mars Probes kept failing the writs have been flying, you really don't want to get subpoenaed as a witness.

East Mars: Forget it. The Fendahl passed through here nine million years ago and the place is deader than the corpses of the tourists that litter the rest of the Martian landscape.

North Mars: At some time in the 1970s or 1980s, records from that period are unclear, alien ambassadors from space stopped off on Mars on their way to Earth. Unfortunately a few of them remained and they are fiercely radioactive. Do not shake hands no matter how rude this makes you appear.

South-West Mars: Egyptian God Horus, for reasons best known to himself, built an enormous pyramid here as part of a plan to imprison his brother Sutekh on Earth. The pyramid remains but the reaction of most tourists is to its' collection of hoary old logic puzzles and spot the difference tests will be boredom. Boredom followed by terror, the Pyramid is also full of killer robot Egyptian Mummies which no one can deactivate.

Equatorial Mars: The previous location of Bowie Base One, radiation from the bases' explosion still lingers and can be relied on to provide a surprising reminder of your visit; possibly a third arm (or a fourth if you've already shaken hands with the alien ambassadors). It's best to stick to bottled water.
TOP TOURIST TRAVEL TIP: Don't drink any bottled water which you didn't bring in yourself, the surprisingly persistent drink vendors who work in the area often have an ulterior motive.

Continue to:
Where to stay
Things to see
Eating out
Surviving longer than twelve minutes

[1] Other slogans were “Mars: If you go at night the monsters probably can't see you”, “Mars: A good place to get away from life” and “Mars is SO bracing” the poster for which had to be withdrawn after a copyright dispute with the Skegness Tourist Board.

Monday, November 9, 2009

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Error #532682: Archangel Uplink not established. Signal lock failed. Scheduled update changing to Wednesdays. Please wait. Vote Saxon.

Monday, November 2, 2009