Saturday, January 1, 2011

Peoples of the Universe, please attend carefully

An importation message from Sham Mountebank, big-hearted publisher of Shouting Into A Well.

Since Shouting Into A Well stopped updating in September 2010 several people have starved to death in front of their computer while waiting for this blog to update. This situation cannot be allowed to persist. Media photos of emaciated corpses sitting in front of monitors displaying this blog makes for very bad publicity for Shouting Into A Well and its associated banks.

Towards the end of September 2010 it became apparent that the material my employees were passing to me by for approval no longer matched the standards I required. Said material being either jaded, listless, predictable, nonsensical or too long(respectively a Heat magazine parody; a spoof Dilbert strip titled The Adventures of Dalekbert; fake TV programmes; a picture of Davros wearing a t-shirt labelled 'Team Evil' for no reason anyone could explain; and a five hundred panel depiction of the making of an episode of Doctor Who using scenes from the Bayeux Tapestry). As a result I determined to put Shouting Into A Well onto hiatus.

Do not despair. Shouting Into A Well will continue to be updated but on a much less regular basis. I, Sham Mountebank your big-hearted publisher of Shouting Into A Well, has decreed this.

I have also decided to accept submissions of material from readers should any be forthcoming.

As I have wrote, so mote it be!


Heat Magazine Parody.

The Adventures Of Dalekbert.

Fake TV Programmes.

The New Season On BBC1.

DRAGONS DEN: Budding evil genius get the chance to pitch their plans to four of the universe's most sinister brains, Davros, Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, Morbius and Sutekh The Destroyer. Whose plan will gain the favour of the fearsome four? The Dominators want investment to expand their army of Quarks; Professor Zaroff, plans to destroy the Earth by raising Atlantis and also turn sailors into Fish People; Professor Lasky seeks investment to make mobile, talking, killer plants for some reason; and a coalition of monsters want to trap the Doctor inside an indestructible box which cannot be opened.

SPOOKS: Gaseous wraiths the Gelth continue their quest through time to find new bodies. This series the Spooks team try grave robbing in the French Revolution, the Sheridan-Custer Indian Campaign of 1867-69, the Roman invasion of Britain, and the notorious opening day of the 1972 Harrod's Sale.

LIFE ON JUDOON: When a Judoon Commander is hit by a hovercar he wakes to find himself not in the future he knows but 33 years before the future. How will he cope in a world slightly less futuristic than the one he knows? As the opening narration says,” No! Kro! Blo! Ko! Sho! Wo Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo Blo So! Kro! Blo! Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo! Ko!”

YOU DON'T KNOW JACK: Captain Jack Harkness hosts the quiz where all the questions are set on his favourite topic; himself.

CASH IN THE ATTIC: John Lumic hosts the show where couples go into their attic and look for valuables to sell for profit at auction; what they don't know is that a Cyberman conversion squad got into the attic first.

ESCAPE TO THE COUNTRY: Survivors from CASH IN THE ATTIC attempt to flee the Cybus Industries mop-up squad.


Davros Wearing A 'Team Evil' T-shirt For No Reason

Pictures From A Five Hundred Panel Depiction Of The Making Of An Episode Of Doctor Who Using Scenes From The Bayeux Tapestry.

Or Six If You Count This One.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Really Should Have Done This While The World Cup Was On

One of the promotional images for the Doctor Who Live tour is of a Monsters First XI (that's 'XI' Doctor Who Live, not '11'; didn't you even study Roman numerals at school? -CLASSICAL ED.). However, a football team composed of Doctor Who monsters raises many questions.

No substitutes are present in the team photo. There is nothing wrong with this, although it seems unfair not to include them in the picture, but the names of all substitutes must be given to the referee before the match begins. Claiming your substitute is “Vashta Nerada” and then allowing billions of flesh eating bugs to swarm onto the pitch would be cheating; individual Vashta Nerada must be named.

None of the team are wearing the compulsory shin guards. In fact the whole team kit is a bit of a nightmare. Nobody is wearing regulation shorts, jerseys or footwear. The Vampire's diaphanous nightie could tangle round an opposition player causing injury. And where do you find a jersey that fits a Stone Angel?

Law 4: The players equipment. “The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements. A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser.” Unless the Monster's First XI is sponsored by Cybus industries the Cyberman will need to cover up the Cybus logo to avoid being in breach of Law Four.

“A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (including any kind of jewellery).” Several of the team are brandishing weapons. They will have to leave them by the side of the pitch.

Likewise the Ood cannot bring his translation sphere onto the pitch in case it gets damaged but this will make it difficult for him to shout instructions to other players.

This also applies to the Juddon. Without his translator, he's going to be no help. By the time he's shouted “look out Silurian, on your left, Give him a target on the flank “ (“No! Kro! Blo! Ko! Sho! Wo Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo Blo So! Kro! Blo! Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo! Ko!” ) The other team will be halfway down the pitch with the ball.

Where does the Stone Angel play? It can only move when no one is looking at it. Goal is out because being frozen in one spot would make it useless during penalty shoot outs; likewise attacking is impossible because the opposition keeper only has to stare at the Angel. The best position is probably midfield, where there's at least a chance for the ball to bounce off it, or for an opposition player to run into it and injure themselves.

At least three of the players cannot head the ball. The Clockwork Droid would jar its delicate internal mechanism, the Scarecrow's head is full of straw and the Judoon cannot head the ball without puncturing it.

Daleks cannot take throw-ins, or kick the ball, and attempting to use the plunger during play would be classed as handball. The Skaro mutant could compensate for this by melding with an opposition player Dalek Sec style but this would probably be classed as unsporting behaviour and result in a yellow card or free kick to the other team.

Altogether the Monsters First XI seems unlikely to make a successful team relegation to a lower league must inevitably follow.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Two new CDs released this month.

Melanie Bush States The Obvious

Available now for the first time on CD. All your favourite moments from Doctor Who when companion Melanie Bush explains things which are already clearly visible on screen to even the most inattentive viewer.

This CD contains some material previous released on the albums The Division Mel and Screams In The Key Of Life.

Track Listing:
1. A Mayday Call, We Have To Respond!
2. No One Sends A Mayday Call Unless It's A Matter Of Life And Death!
3. The Quickest Way Out Of This Is To Solve The Mystery!
4. Looks Like Someone's Been In A Fight For Their Life!
5. Never Mind The Just-So Stories. That Guard Looks Trigger Happy To Me!
6. I'm As Truthful, Honest, And About As Boring As They Come!
7. How Utterly Evil!
8. Something's Going Wrong! I Can Sense It!
9. Destroy Us And You Destroy Yourself!
10. I've Had Enough Of This Drivel!

Also included as bonus tracks, the duet with Commodore Travers

Since You've Put In Appearance, First A Passenger, Now My Communications Officer, And A Guard Have All Gone Missing. Two If Not All Three Murdered But... You Can't Tell Me What's Happening Can You? (I Can. You've Got A Killer On Board!)

Plus, Commodore Travers' solo single

Whoever's Been Dumped In There Has Been Pulverised Into Fragments And Sent Floating Into Space. And In My Book That's Murder!

Re-released This Month

The Dominators Help
Studio album by The Dominators
Released 6 August 1965
Genre Pop Rock
Label Maagaphone
Producer George Martian

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Still Angry After All These Years

Long term, the worst thing about the new Star Wars trilogy is the damage it inflicts on the character of Darth Vader. Now when watching the three older films it is impossible to forget about Anakin Skywalker so where there was once a mysterious iconic evil villain, the audience now sees beyond the black suit to the inner whiny teenager mooning over his lost love.

Like this:

Friday, September 3, 2010

It's Fanzine Focus Friday! Part 2

A very delayed plug for a new fanzine Blue Box, edited by Grant Bull. This should have been posted ages ago but wasn't. The minions responsible are now suspended from the Balham Gibbit.

"I am very pleased to announce that the very first issue of Blue Box – A Doctor Who Fanzine is available to purchase…

Issue 1 includes some wonderful articles from a very talented and knowledgeable bunch with such gems as:

Towering Ambitions by Jez Strickley
Writing to the Doctor by Ian Wheeler
Playing 'Games' by David MacGowan
Finding Light in the Dark Dimension by Bob Furnell
Doctor Who – A Loving Obsession by Grant Bull
Looking Back: Death to the Daleks by Richard Farrell

Add to that wonderful mix of original and interesting articles an interview with David J Howe conducted by Grant Bull and an in-depth interview with Paul Cornell conducted by Gareth Kavanagh. Then top it all off art throughout and the beginnings of a comic strip by Ellis Hampton and Erin. All wrapped in a stunning cover by Draculasaurus.

Oh… and there’s more but I don’t want to give it all away pick up your copy and see for yourself!

Paypal orders to or email for more details on the same address.

UK - £1.50
Rest of the World - £2.50"

Issue 1 of Blue Box is a great start for a new fanzine. It's been out since June though so if you are planning to order a copy it's probably worth sending an email first in case it has sold out; if it has then issue 2 should be along soon. For your £1.50 you get a lot of content, a good eclectic mix of articles and interviews. The design is great with some lovely artwork but it is a shame that the reproduction left some of the comic strips so dark; hopefully this should be something easy to fix in future issues.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Doctor Who News, News!

Split Season For 2011 Doctor Who

New Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat has announced that the 2011 series of Doctor Who will be split between the spring and autumn.

Fan speculation has concentrated on how the split will work. For example could the stories be divided into a block of seven episodes in the spring followed by six in the autumn? In fact, as Shouting Into A Well can exclusively reveal, the split is a literal one. There will be a standard 13 episode run in spring with the right side of the screen-blanked out -along with the audio for all events which happen there-, followed in autumn by a second block of 13 episodes which shows the opposite. The complete episodes will then be available to purchase on DVD.

How The Split Would Have Worked On Series 5

Rory and Amy gasp in surprise at something. What is it? You'll have to wait until autumn to find out.

It's the Doctor, confronted by himself from the future!

And how the scene will look recombined on DVD.

Moffat Promises “Gamechanging Cliffhanger”

New Producer Steven Moffat has also announced that next years' mid-series cliffhanger will be “gamechanging”.

As yet Shouting Into A Well has no information about the nature of this cliffhanger but here are ten possibilities.

1. River Song shoots the Doctor.
2. The Doctor shoots River Song.
3. Amy Pond shoots River Song and the Doctor with a single bullet
4. The Daleks shoot J.R.
5. River Song is the Rani
6. Amy Pond is the Rani
7. Amy Pond is River Song
8. Amy Pond is the Rani disguised as River Song
9. The Rani shoots the Doctor.
10. It was all a dream.

GAMECHANGING: An artist's impression of the 2011 mid-series cliffhanger. The Rani looks on with a sneer as Amy Pond and the Doctor hold each other at gunpoint.

Shouting Into A Well To Seek New Photoshop Artist

In unrelated news Shouting Into A Well is to search for a new Photoshop artist. No details have been announced of the events which led to the firing of the previous artist.