Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Really Should Have Done This While The World Cup Was On

One of the promotional images for the Doctor Who Live tour is of a Monsters First XI (that's 'XI' Doctor Who Live, not '11'; didn't you even study Roman numerals at school? -CLASSICAL ED.). However, a football team composed of Doctor Who monsters raises many questions.

No substitutes are present in the team photo. There is nothing wrong with this, although it seems unfair not to include them in the picture, but the names of all substitutes must be given to the referee before the match begins. Claiming your substitute is “Vashta Nerada” and then allowing billions of flesh eating bugs to swarm onto the pitch would be cheating; individual Vashta Nerada must be named.

None of the team are wearing the compulsory shin guards. In fact the whole team kit is a bit of a nightmare. Nobody is wearing regulation shorts, jerseys or footwear. The Vampire's diaphanous nightie could tangle round an opposition player causing injury. And where do you find a jersey that fits a Stone Angel?

Law 4: The players equipment. “The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements. A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser.” Unless the Monster's First XI is sponsored by Cybus industries the Cyberman will need to cover up the Cybus logo to avoid being in breach of Law Four.

“A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (including any kind of jewellery).” Several of the team are brandishing weapons. They will have to leave them by the side of the pitch.

Likewise the Ood cannot bring his translation sphere onto the pitch in case it gets damaged but this will make it difficult for him to shout instructions to other players.

This also applies to the Juddon. Without his translator, he's going to be no help. By the time he's shouted “look out Silurian, on your left, Give him a target on the flank “ (“No! Kro! Blo! Ko! Sho! Wo Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo Blo So! Kro! Blo! Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo! Ko!” ) The other team will be halfway down the pitch with the ball.

Where does the Stone Angel play? It can only move when no one is looking at it. Goal is out because being frozen in one spot would make it useless during penalty shoot outs; likewise attacking is impossible because the opposition keeper only has to stare at the Angel. The best position is probably midfield, where there's at least a chance for the ball to bounce off it, or for an opposition player to run into it and injure themselves.

At least three of the players cannot head the ball. The Clockwork Droid would jar its delicate internal mechanism, the Scarecrow's head is full of straw and the Judoon cannot head the ball without puncturing it.

Daleks cannot take throw-ins, or kick the ball, and attempting to use the plunger during play would be classed as handball. The Skaro mutant could compensate for this by melding with an opposition player Dalek Sec style but this would probably be classed as unsporting behaviour and result in a yellow card or free kick to the other team.

Altogether the Monsters First XI seems unlikely to make a successful team relegation to a lower league must inevitably follow.