Innuendo Watch

After a strong showing in Flesh And Stone the phrase 'Amy Pond's crack' (as in "did you see Doctor Who this week? The Weeping Angels fell into Amy Pond's crack and totally disappeared!") remains funny this week.

Our panel of independent assessors have awarded 'Amy Pond's crack' a rating of 4.2 on the Croft-Lloyd scale; roughly equivalent to one verse of the George Formby song With My Little Stick Of Blackpool Rock, Barbara Windsor holding a lovely pear, or seven Punch cartoons of a Vicar looking at a hen house and congratulating the farmer on the size of his cockerel.

Previous innuendos in Doctor Who have included The Space Museum where the first Doctor is caught by the Moroks, the fourth Doctor announcing that his medical friend Harry Sullivan is "only qualified to work on sailors" and the Rani, in Time And The Rani, saying "leave the girl, it's the man I want". None have rated higher than the playground joke about a woman with a missing dog called Titswobble.

TOP MARKS: Live from the town of Intercourse Pennsylvania our panel of judges give Amy Pond's crack it's best score yet!

The Croft-Lloyd scale is logarithmic and to achieve a rating of 5.0, Amy Pond's crack will need to compare with a five minute sequence of misunderstandings from 'Allo 'Allo including; flashing knobs; Monsieur LeClerc wearing a pair of exploding trousers; and Lieutenant Gruber hiding the Knockwurst containing the Fallen Madonna With The Big Bobbies down his trousers and inviting Rene into his little tank to help pull the sausage out.

It is extremely unlikely that the phrase will ever reach a rating of 10 (or fifty megacarryons). The highest score of any innuendo to date is Mrs Slocombe's pussy which rated 8.6 in March 1977 after being left outside during a heavy rainstorm. Long term exposure to this level of innuendo is toxic and can lead to sniggering, mucking about, and eye-rolling while pulling a shocked face and saying,”ooh Matron, take them away.”

River And The Banner Man

Or: BBC Gives The Weeping Angels Something To Cry About
Or: How I Leaned To Stop Worrying And Love Graham Norton.
Or: Non Angeli Sed Angry!
Or: Need To Install Norton Pop-Up Blocker?
Or: BBC In The DOG-House.

Alternative ways to make use of banner adverts.

1. Stop the banner from obscuring the on-screen action by swapping the position of the banner and the television programme.

2. State the blindingly obvious.

3. Make the on-screen action more immersive, as in this shot from The Impossible Planet.

4. Give information which may be useful to know.

In Other News
BBC Release Preview Pictures Of Next Saturday's Episode

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

It's Terrible Old Joke Wednesday

It's Wednesday 14th of April so, according to tradition, it's time to dig up some terrible old Atraxi jokes.



The Atraxi Leader hated wearing his glasses.


Q:What Do You Call A Three Eyed Atraxi?
A: Atraxiii !


Q:What Do You Call A No Eyed Atraxi?
A: Atrax !


The Atraxi Leader goes to the optician for an eye test. After a few basic tests the optician points to an eye chart and asks,” can you read the letters on this for me?”.
“ I can't see it,” replies the Atraxi leader.
So the optician gets a chart with bigger letters and points to it again,” can you read these letters?” he asks.
“No,” replies the Atraxi Leader,” I can't see those either.”
The optician gets the chart with the biggest letters he can find and holds it up,” surely you must be able to see these.”
“ I'm sorry but I still can't see them,” says the Atraxi Leader.
Frustrated the optician unzips his trousers and exposes himself,” can you see that,” he shouts.
“ Good grief, yes,” says the Atraxi Leader,” I can see THAT clearly.”
“ Well there's the problem,” says the optician,” you're cock-eyed.”

Amy Pond Kissogram: At Your Service

Lads* here’s your chance to get a snog with Amazing Pouting Amy Pond!

Now that The Eleventh Hour has revealed Amy works as a Kissogram, Shouting Into A Well is proud to give YOU a chance to dress Awesome Pneumatic Amy Pond in the costume of your dreams** and then kiss her!

Here’s how it works.

Cut out the picture to the left of Amy. She's dressed in her Policewoman costume and you COULD get a snog off her straight away but, just for fun, we've also provided a selection of alternate saucy costumes for you to choose from; as well as a few fun props which we think Amy might want to use.

Cut the costumes out, dress Amy in the costume of your choice, and pucker up.

It's literally that easy!

(note: you'll need to click on the images to see the full sized picture before cutting them out)






It's literally all in YOUR imagination! But remember, Kissograms often say a fun and saucy line before they deliver their message! For example, Naughty Policewoman Amy might say,"I'll have to TAKE DOWN your particulars". Don't worry if you can't think of anything for Amy to say at first, we've provided three to get you started.





* And lasses; Shouting Into A Well is proud to be a non-discriminatory purveyor of lechery to Doctor Who fans.
** Any similarity between this blog entry and Shouting Into A Well's earlier Dress Matt Smith is entirely co-incidental ish. Although thinking about it, if you wanted you could probably dress Matt Smith up and snog him as well, or not, as you prefer, or you could make Matt Smith snog Amy Pond! It’s a snogasbord!

Three Days And Counting...

It's time to get ready for series 1/5/A/31 (delete where applicable) of Doctor Who with Shouting Into A Well's exclusive Spoilerocious Guide.

The Eleventh Hour: The first episode. We're bound to see Matt Smith in this one and Karen Gillan as well, playing her character Amy Pond. Presumably this will be the episode where we see her wearing the fake Police uniform that was in all those internet photos a while back. Isn't there going to be a new TARDIS set? Shouting Into A Well has no information about that.

Episode Two: This one is called The Enemy Below or The Evil Underneath; something like that anyway. Before Shouting Into A Well stopped visiting other Doctor Who sites for fear of getting too much information about the new series we caught a glimpse of a picture of that weird grumpy looking bloke with the red eyes from the promotional picture; the one wearing the black top and what is possibly an Eton Collar (this could be significant). Anyway, that picture might have been next to an article about this story, so he's probably in it, or maybe not. The browser window got closed pretty damn quickly. Grumpy Man's head spins round in the trailer so look out for the moment when that happens.

Episode Three: Don't know.

Episode Four: Ditto.

Episode Five: Crumbs this is tricky.

Episode Six: There are a couple of shots in the trailer of strange green lizard-like creatures which have prompted much speculation about the return of the Draconians or Silurians. In actual fact episode seven sees the return of Zil a character from the 1979 Blake's 7 episode Trial, leading to the long awaited Doctor Who/Blake's 7 crossover.


Episode Seven:Note; next year don't try a spoiler guide without doing more than watching a couple of trailers.

Episodes Eight to Thirteen:?

The Backlash Begins!

Doctor Who fans are revolting. At Matt Smith that is!

The reviews of Matt Smith's first Doctor Who episode are in and they are all completely negative! Amazingly a simple Google web search for the keywords Matt Smith Eleventh Hour review -unbelievably -good -positive -brilliant -fantastic -highest -quality -amazing -superb -glorious -liked reveals no praise at all.

In fact as the screen-grab below shows, this search returned no results of any kind suggesting that the new series, which is due to start on 3rd April, could be a ratings disaster with publicity being poor to non-existent.


And, in an astonishing turn of events at the press launch for the series, new producer Steven Moffat himself blasted the performance of the two main characters saying,” I was such a huge fan of Doctor Who. I... want to know why... Matt Smith... doesn't come across...how I originally wrote the part. I think it is centrally vital for Doctor Who that … our two main characters... go.”


It is with regret that Shouting Into A Well covers this story. This blog does not wish to become a centre for fan protests about the shocking decline in quality of the new series, a first point of call for any fan who feels Doctor Who is heading in the wrong direction, but if this is a mantle which must be worn then it is one which is reluctantly accepted. Along with the inevitable publicity, cash , success, interviews, cash, television appearances, and cash which will doubtless follow. It will be long, hard, thankless, profitable, work and every mouthful of Groucho Club Champagne that washes down a handful of complimentary cashew nuts will taste like bitter ashes.

This is not a cynical attempt to drum up web hits by generating needless controversy before a single episode has even been shown. It is also not sour grapes at not being invited to the press launch; Shouting Into A Well had plans that night, anyway. This is about the future of Doctor Who!