Really Should Have Done This While The World Cup Was On

One of the promotional images for the Doctor Who Live tour is of a Monsters First XI (that's 'XI' Doctor Who Live, not '11'; didn't you even study Roman numerals at school? -CLASSICAL ED.). However, a football team composed of Doctor Who monsters raises many questions.

No substitutes are present in the team photo. There is nothing wrong with this, although it seems unfair not to include them in the picture, but the names of all substitutes must be given to the referee before the match begins. Claiming your substitute is “Vashta Nerada” and then allowing billions of flesh eating bugs to swarm onto the pitch would be cheating; individual Vashta Nerada must be named.

None of the team are wearing the compulsory shin guards. In fact the whole team kit is a bit of a nightmare. Nobody is wearing regulation shorts, jerseys or footwear. The Vampire's diaphanous nightie could tangle round an opposition player causing injury. And where do you find a jersey that fits a Stone Angel?

Law 4: The players equipment. “The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements. A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser.” Unless the Monster's First XI is sponsored by Cybus industries the Cyberman will need to cover up the Cybus logo to avoid being in breach of Law Four.

“A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (including any kind of jewellery).” Several of the team are brandishing weapons. They will have to leave them by the side of the pitch.

Likewise the Ood cannot bring his translation sphere onto the pitch in case it gets damaged but this will make it difficult for him to shout instructions to other players.

This also applies to the Juddon. Without his translator, he's going to be no help. By the time he's shouted “look out Silurian, on your left, Give him a target on the flank “ (“No! Kro! Blo! Ko! Sho! Wo Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo Blo So! Kro! Blo! Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo! Ko!” ) The other team will be halfway down the pitch with the ball.

Where does the Stone Angel play? It can only move when no one is looking at it. Goal is out because being frozen in one spot would make it useless during penalty shoot outs; likewise attacking is impossible because the opposition keeper only has to stare at the Angel. The best position is probably midfield, where there's at least a chance for the ball to bounce off it, or for an opposition player to run into it and injure themselves.

At least three of the players cannot head the ball. The Clockwork Droid would jar its delicate internal mechanism, the Scarecrow's head is full of straw and the Judoon cannot head the ball without puncturing it.

Daleks cannot take throw-ins, or kick the ball, and attempting to use the plunger during play would be classed as handball. The Skaro mutant could compensate for this by melding with an opposition player Dalek Sec style but this would probably be classed as unsporting behaviour and result in a yellow card or free kick to the other team.

Altogether the Monsters First XI seems unlikely to make a successful team relegation to a lower league must inevitably follow.

Monster Mash

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Monsters>Planetary Invasions>User Reviews>

Daleks>
By Roboman2051
The original and best...
Absolutely brilliant! You can see why they are still the leaders of the planet invading game. Mass exterminations followed by total suppression of the population. We knew this was going to be good when the invasion started with an orbital bombardment by germ infected meteorites. We were helpless! Highly recommended. 100%, would definitely be invaded by them again.

Cybermen>
By Lumicfan
You never know what you're going to get
We've been invaded by the Cybermen numerous times and they always manage to surprise us. Which will it be? Hypnotic signals followed by a cyber-army bursting out of the sewer? Crashing an anti-matter filled spaceship into the planet? Bursting in through a breach in the universe? If you are planning on having your planet invaded more than once then try these guys. It will never get boring. Plus the survivors get a free upgrade!

Dominators>
By DominatorRagu(it brings out the Italian in you!)
Planetary invasion for the budget conscious.
Cheap but very effective. The Dominators do a great deal of stamping around and shouting at people along with a few nice explosions. They come with these little robots called Quarks which blow up nicely when the resistance attacks them. At the end their exploding doomsday device made a little volcano which was super.

Haemovores>
By DraculaAD1972
Too much jaw-jaw, not enough war-war
They came out of the sea in a black fog. Very atmospheric. But then the leader went into this “my world is dying speech” and kept going on about pollution. Like being invaded by Bono and Sting.

Ood>
By JohnZoidberg
Nice but not really what we were expecting.
The Ood first contacted us psychically which is different but then instead of brutally oppressing people they offered to sing us to sleep. I'm not sure they are really cut out for the invading game but they make a great cup of tea.

Moroks>
by AngryCustomer
Terrible!!
Oh dear. They didn't come until two solar cycles after the scheduled invasion date. When they landed the leader tried to pretend that they had come by on time but “everyone had been out” (we weren't, we are a non-space-faring race so we were all at home, in fact we'd cancelled plans to make sure we didn't miss them). Apparently they had “left a card which must have blown away” give it up guys we didn't evolve yesterday. As if that wasn't enough their spaceships sat around doing nothing until our President went and knocked on the door only to be told that they had forgotten their lazer guns! We had to lend them some of ours before the invasion could even begin! Dreadful service. Just avoid.

Is YOUR Neighbour A Dalek?

Ten Questions That Cut To The Chase1. Some leaves have fallen into your garden from your neighbours tree. You go round to complain. What do they do?
a) apologise and offer to sweep the leaves up.
b) slam the door in your face.
c) try and turn you into a Roboman.

2. The sewer in your street is blocked. When the council come round to investigate what do they find it is full of?
a) incorrectly disposed of foodstuff; rice, fat and tea leaves.
b) tree roots.
c) hideous mutant embryos, flushed into the sewers for not conforming to strict purity standards.

3. What do your neighbours listen to on the radio?
a) Radio One.
b) The Archers.
c) Dalek propaganda.

4. Your neighbour's cat has gone missing, how do they react?
a) put up posters.
b) get a new cat
c) trundle around the garden shrieking,”prisoner has escaped! I have failed! I have failed! Self destruct! I have failed - destruct! I have failed - destruct! Failed! Failed! Failed!” and then exploding.

5.What shape is your neighbour's body?
6. Your neighbour says they are going out to get a funky new look, do they come back with
a) a trendy perm like Paul Michael Glaser.
b) something from Marks and Spencer.
c) a brightly coloured, glossy paint job and a bigger, bulkier frame.

7. What does your neighbour drive?
a) a Ford Fiesta.
b) they don't have a car.
c) a giant flying saucer

8. What is your neighbour's idea of a good night out?
a) go down the pub
b) a trip to the cinema, and then out for a meal.
c) hanging around Canary Wharf fighting with Cybermen.

9.You are dancing with your neighbour at a party when your cardigan becomes wrapped around their head. How does your neighbour react, do they?
a) laugh it off and say accidents will happen.
b) ask you to be more careful.
c) start shrieking “my vision is impaired, I cannot see!” and blunder around crashing into the furniture before finally falling out of the window and exploding again.

10. What are your neighbour's etheric beam locators like?
a) unremarkable.
b) medium.
c) round, firm, and able to locate etheric beam emissions at a distance of up to 20,000 light years.

Scores:
A=1, B=2, C=3, D=You must have been filling in another quiz

Less than 10: Nothing to worry about here. Your neighbour is definitely not a Dalek.
10-20: Your neighbour is probably okay. You can sleep safe in your bed without worrying about being exterminated, or turned into a pig slave.
20-30: There is something fishy about your neighbour. He may not be a Dalek but for safety you may want to try completing another of our other quizes: Is Your Neighbour A Silurian, Is Your Neighbour Kroll, or Is Your Neighbour a Vashta Nerada.
30: Panic! Your neighbour is a Dalek. Evacuate the area immediately and notify the local anti-Dalek Force.
TOMORROW: Is Your Lodger A Time Lord?

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Yes, It's Election Mania!

8VRWKFSGXN9K
With the 2010 election approaching, Shouting Into A Well takes a look at the posters the parties are hoping will encourage you to give them your vote.

First up are the Cybermen and, unusually for an emotionless robot-race, they are running a newspaper campaign that plays on the fear the electorate has for the opposition leader.

The Daleks on the other hand are playing the ball, and not the man, and going with a poster which attacks one of the Cybermen's central policies (click for bigger image)

The smaller parties are also making a big push with this simple, but direct, plea to the voters from the Ice Warriors.

And finally, this message from a first-time candidate.

Inevitably, it's Daleks In Need

Merchandising Update

With the new year approaching Shouting Into A Well takes a look at the latest batch of calendars due to hit the shops soon.

The 365 Sontarans A Year Wall Calandar: A daily calendar featuring 365 individual pictures of a race of clones who all wear the same type of battle armour.
Rating: Monotonous.

Naked Cybermen: Cybus Industries' latest doomed attempt to convince the public to have their brains scooped out of their heads and placed in metal shells. A series of pictures of Cybermen in various states of undress which, according to the press release aims to,” show that under the skin of iron is a warm beating human heart.” This is only too clearly demonstrated in the picture for October which looks like a scene from Hellraiser.
Rating: Unbelievably disgusting.

The Official Vashta Nerada Calendar: Initially disappointing effort from the microscopic creatures who live in shadows, it appears to be nothing but twelve blank, black pages. However the Vashta Nerada assure Shouting Into A Well that each calendar is impregnated with billions of eggs guaranteed to hatch, swarm and devour purchasers when night falls.
Rating: To die for!

Waterskiing Werewolves: An unusual charity calendar produced by the Brethren of St Catherine's Glen Monastery. Impressive photography raising money for a worthy cause, a pound from each calendar sold goes towards infecting Prince Charles with Lycanthropy, makes this an excellent buy.
Rating: lupus magnus est, lupus fortis est, lupus deus est.

Just Daleks In Hats: Like the title says, twelve A4 sized pictures of Daleks going about their daily business enslaving other races, making Pig Slaves, and plotting the total destruction of all matter in the universe while wearing a selection of hats. Interestingly enough one of the Daleks in the photo for July, (Daleks in berets destroy the Eiffel Tower, caption:”ooh la-la!”) is also wearing a cravat.
Rating: Stylish.

Doctor Who: New companion gimmick revealed 'no thumbs'

• Speculation mounts that the great, long, red-legged Scisssorman will be the first new villain for series 5.

• Hitch-hiking script abandoned.

• Tom Thumb to appear in 'celebrity historical' script.

• Or possibly Thumbelina.

• Oh, or maybe Little Jack Horner.

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Thumbs
1. A 'rule of thumb' is a rule or principle that provides guidance to appropriate behaviour.
2. It turns out there are not ten things to know about thumbs...Read More.

In Other News

Blog unable to think of caption for bizarre London Underground publicity photograph. Read More.

Let me Take you by the Hand and Lead you Through the Streets of London

Thanks to the London Transport journey planner getting across the city has never been easier.

Click picture for full size.

Doctor Who... in other lands

1. The nights in Iceland are six months long so when each episode of Doctor Who is broadcast it must be played at 1/360th normal speed in order to last the same amount of time as an episode broadcast in England. In addition, as there is only one night a year, Iceland television has only got as far as showing The Unquiet Dead despite buying the series in 2006!

2. In Japan you can watch the adventures of any of the first eight Doctors but, astonishingly, the exploits of the ninth and tenth incarnations of Doctor Who are banned! This is because Japan has the largest population of robots in the world. The new series, with its scenes of Daleks and Cybermen climbing stairs cannot be broadcast in case it gives the robots ideas! When it was discovered that the seventh Doctor story Remembrance of the Daleks also showed a Dalek going up stairs, the robots in Japan all had to have their memories erased. Remembrance of the Daleks can now only be transmitted at a time when all of Japan's robots are asleep!

3. Latveria is officially the gloomiest country in the world and when Father's Day was first broadcast the scene of Roses' Dad being run over immediately became the nation's favourite comedy moment!

4. You might imagine that because Australia is on the bottom of the world Doctor Who would be transmitted upside down but this cliché is as silly as the idea that people in England watch the series while wearing bowler hats! In fact the Australian government has spent billions of dollars developing a machine which allows television pictures to be broadcast the right way up. So everyone in Australia sees Doctor Who on television the normal way up and then watches it standing on their heads! While eating Christmas Dinner on the beach! In summer!

5. Television signals also travel into space allowing Doctor Who to be watched on strange far away worlds. In space the viewers are already alien monsters so most of a story like The Satan Pit, with the Beast and the Ood, is regarded as an everyday soap opera while the one scene where the Doctor and Rose talk about mortgages is the most fantastic, imaginative, mind-blowing, science-fiction ever imagined!

Happy Christmas

Please Mr. Toastman

Characters in films and television are always concocting plans, whether it's to conquer the world using deadly orchid venom bombs or thwarting "evil since the dawn of time". They're all at it, heroes and villains alike. But how would they cope when asked to do something simple like making some toast? That's been the question that this year's International Toast Making Championship has tried to answer. Let's see how the latest contestants did.

The Daleks: Doctor Who's arch foes set to work conquering a neighbouring planet and putting its inhabitants to work making toast within huge slave factories. After only a few days the Daleks had made vast mountains of toast, more in fact than any one person could possibly eat in a lifetime. " We are the Masters of toast. We are the Masters of toast," grated the Dalek Supreme.
Result: A massive, if somewhat over compensatory, success from the insecure metal pepper pots.

Heroes: A team effort that started well as Peter Petrelli used telekinesis to slice the bread and lift it into a jet of fire provided by Claire's pyrokinetic mother. When the bread was browned to perfection Hiro Nakamura teleported the toast onto a plate and it was ready for serving. Sadly at this point the Heroes team made a terrible mistake. Peter's "Irish" girlfriend Caitlin was chosen to deliver the toast to the waiting judge. "Bejasus! Here be ye toast zur", she said as the plate was handed over causing the judge to be sick and lose his appetite.
Result: Failed.

The team from Lost were disqualified after failing to turn up.

The Daleks were the winners of this round (of toast!) and go on to the quarter finals where they will face Godzilla, the family from Lost in Space, Batman and this years 100-1 outsider The Man From Atlantis.