I am the Keymaster.

Ten bad places to leave the Osterhagen Key

1. On a piece of string behind the letterbox of the Osterhagen Key building.
2. Under a false rock.
3. In a big pile of identical fake Osterhagen Keys.
4. Plugged into the Oserhagen Key control panel with a sign saying “Osterhagen Key: please do not touch”.
5. Detroit.
6. Inside an indestructible box that cannot be opened.
7. In the hands of someone who really wants to destroy the Earth.
8. Behind a flowerpot.
9. A place that's difficult to get to quickly.
10. Anywhere marked on a map as “Secret location of Osterhagen Key”.

Boom Bang-a-Bang

One unanswered question from Journey's End ,the last episode of Doctor Who series four, is where did all the fireworks come from to celebrate the Earth's return? This secret memo cracked using Unit Security Code Green reveals all.


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"TOP SECRET... EYES ONLY... OSTERHAGEN KEY OPERATION MANUAL

The following check must be carried out every sixty minutes by Duty Officer Osterhagen Station One (DOOS1)

PHASE ONE:
IS THE EARTH DOOMED?
YES (PROCEED TO PHASE TWO)
NO (PROCEED TO PHASE THREE)

PHASE TWO:
A:INSERT OSTERHAGEN KEY INTO CONTROL PANEL
B:SET SWITCH TO 'DOOMED' POSITION
C:PRESS GO BUTTON

A chain of twenty five (25) nuclear warheads placed in strategic locations beneath the Earth's crust will detonate destroying the planet

PHASE THREE:
IS THE EARTH SAVED?
YES (PROCEED TO PHASE FOUR)
NO (PROCEED TO PHASE FIVE)

PHASE FOUR:
A:INSERT OSTERHAGEN KEY INTO CONTROL PANEL
B:SET SWITCH TO 'SAVED' POSITION
C:PRESS GO BUTTON

A chain of fireworks installed in strategic national landmarks will detonate allowing instant celebrations

PHASE FIVE:
RESUME MONITORING
WAIT ONE HOUR
ASSESS EARTH'S RELATIVE DOOMED/SAVED STATUS
RETURN TO PHASE ONE

MESSAGE ENDS

PS: Watch out for Krynoids in the cabbage patch.

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