Really Should Have Done This While The World Cup Was On

One of the promotional images for the Doctor Who Live tour is of a Monsters First XI (that's 'XI' Doctor Who Live, not '11'; didn't you even study Roman numerals at school? -CLASSICAL ED.). However, a football team composed of Doctor Who monsters raises many questions.

No substitutes are present in the team photo. There is nothing wrong with this, although it seems unfair not to include them in the picture, but the names of all substitutes must be given to the referee before the match begins. Claiming your substitute is “Vashta Nerada” and then allowing billions of flesh eating bugs to swarm onto the pitch would be cheating; individual Vashta Nerada must be named.

None of the team are wearing the compulsory shin guards. In fact the whole team kit is a bit of a nightmare. Nobody is wearing regulation shorts, jerseys or footwear. The Vampire's diaphanous nightie could tangle round an opposition player causing injury. And where do you find a jersey that fits a Stone Angel?

Law 4: The players equipment. “The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements. A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser.” Unless the Monster's First XI is sponsored by Cybus industries the Cyberman will need to cover up the Cybus logo to avoid being in breach of Law Four.

“A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (including any kind of jewellery).” Several of the team are brandishing weapons. They will have to leave them by the side of the pitch.

Likewise the Ood cannot bring his translation sphere onto the pitch in case it gets damaged but this will make it difficult for him to shout instructions to other players.

This also applies to the Juddon. Without his translator, he's going to be no help. By the time he's shouted “look out Silurian, on your left, Give him a target on the flank “ (“No! Kro! Blo! Ko! Sho! Wo Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo Blo So! Kro! Blo! Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo! Ko!” ) The other team will be halfway down the pitch with the ball.

Where does the Stone Angel play? It can only move when no one is looking at it. Goal is out because being frozen in one spot would make it useless during penalty shoot outs; likewise attacking is impossible because the opposition keeper only has to stare at the Angel. The best position is probably midfield, where there's at least a chance for the ball to bounce off it, or for an opposition player to run into it and injure themselves.

At least three of the players cannot head the ball. The Clockwork Droid would jar its delicate internal mechanism, the Scarecrow's head is full of straw and the Judoon cannot head the ball without puncturing it.

Daleks cannot take throw-ins, or kick the ball, and attempting to use the plunger during play would be classed as handball. The Skaro mutant could compensate for this by melding with an opposition player Dalek Sec style but this would probably be classed as unsporting behaviour and result in a yellow card or free kick to the other team.

Altogether the Monsters First XI seems unlikely to make a successful team relegation to a lower league must inevitably follow.

Is YOUR Neighbour A Dalek?

Ten Questions That Cut To The Chase1. Some leaves have fallen into your garden from your neighbours tree. You go round to complain. What do they do?
a) apologise and offer to sweep the leaves up.
b) slam the door in your face.
c) try and turn you into a Roboman.

2. The sewer in your street is blocked. When the council come round to investigate what do they find it is full of?
a) incorrectly disposed of foodstuff; rice, fat and tea leaves.
b) tree roots.
c) hideous mutant embryos, flushed into the sewers for not conforming to strict purity standards.

3. What do your neighbours listen to on the radio?
a) Radio One.
b) The Archers.
c) Dalek propaganda.

4. Your neighbour's cat has gone missing, how do they react?
a) put up posters.
b) get a new cat
c) trundle around the garden shrieking,”prisoner has escaped! I have failed! I have failed! Self destruct! I have failed - destruct! I have failed - destruct! Failed! Failed! Failed!” and then exploding.

5.What shape is your neighbour's body?
6. Your neighbour says they are going out to get a funky new look, do they come back with
a) a trendy perm like Paul Michael Glaser.
b) something from Marks and Spencer.
c) a brightly coloured, glossy paint job and a bigger, bulkier frame.

7. What does your neighbour drive?
a) a Ford Fiesta.
b) they don't have a car.
c) a giant flying saucer

8. What is your neighbour's idea of a good night out?
a) go down the pub
b) a trip to the cinema, and then out for a meal.
c) hanging around Canary Wharf fighting with Cybermen.

9.You are dancing with your neighbour at a party when your cardigan becomes wrapped around their head. How does your neighbour react, do they?
a) laugh it off and say accidents will happen.
b) ask you to be more careful.
c) start shrieking “my vision is impaired, I cannot see!” and blunder around crashing into the furniture before finally falling out of the window and exploding again.

10. What are your neighbour's etheric beam locators like?
a) unremarkable.
b) medium.
c) round, firm, and able to locate etheric beam emissions at a distance of up to 20,000 light years.

Scores:
A=1, B=2, C=3, D=You must have been filling in another quiz

Less than 10: Nothing to worry about here. Your neighbour is definitely not a Dalek.
10-20: Your neighbour is probably okay. You can sleep safe in your bed without worrying about being exterminated, or turned into a pig slave.
20-30: There is something fishy about your neighbour. He may not be a Dalek but for safety you may want to try completing another of our other quizes: Is Your Neighbour A Silurian, Is Your Neighbour Kroll, or Is Your Neighbour a Vashta Nerada.
30: Panic! Your neighbour is a Dalek. Evacuate the area immediately and notify the local anti-Dalek Force.
TOMORROW: Is Your Lodger A Time Lord?

That's The Problem With Second Hand Planets

Why Don't They Call?

Doctor Who Monsters Slam Heartless BBC Recasting Policy

Scythia the Silurian no longer spends her time sitting by the phone, hope has turned to disappointment. "When we heard that the Silurians were returning to Doctor Who, everyone in my clutch-brood was excited but after a while we realised the BBC were not going to phone and ask us to be in the new series. It was such a shame.”

But the Silurians are not the only Doctor Who villains to be left out in the cold by Steven Moffat and his heartless Doctor Who mandarins. We spoke to heartless Doctor Who Mandarin, the Celestial Toymaker.

“I was the original and best,” fumes the Celestial Toymaker, “I was the one who came up with the idea of playing games with the Doctor and his friends.”

“When I head that a story this year featured the Doctor caught in a terrible game of choice I thought I was a shoe-in but I quickly heard back that the BBC thought my approach was old fashioned.”

“Games like hunt the thimble, hopscotch, and blind man's bluff are timeless. Anyway I offered to meet the BBC half way,” the Toymaker gestures angrily to a pile containing Ludo, Snakes And Ladders, a Vectrex console and a first edition Dungeons And Dragons Dungeon Master's Guide. “They made some feeble excuse about Health And Safety, before finally admitting that they though I was out of date! Then the BBC stopped returning my telegrams.”

“The Dream Lord?" The Toymaker sneers, “he's just an aspect of the Doctor's personality. Getting the same person to play two parts is simply a way for the BBC to cut down on the casting budget.”

“Would you like to play one of my games?” The Celestial Toymaker asks, pulling out a Cluedo set,” I've lost the Lead Pipe and the Revolver, so we'll have to make do with this piece of Lego and a lump of Blue tac, but I've still got most of the cards and we can use the dice from Monopoly.” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Ironically in their quest for the new, Doctor Who bosses also ignored an already established aspect of the Doctor's personality, the Valeyard. “I couldn't believe what I saw a couple of Saturdays ago,” the Valeyard seethes, “what is the point of creating another version of the Doctor's dark side?” “I'm a distillation of all the Doctor's evil between his twelfth and final regenerations, or something. I plotted to overthrow the High Council of the Time Lords; or steal the Doctor's remaining regenerations; I think; I had a Particle Disseminator and everything, although I forget what that was for. I definitely did put the Doctor on trial for his life, although I forget why I did that now. It seemed like a good idea. Anyway I'm pretty sure I survived. It was a crazy, confusing time. Colin Baker's coat gave me a migraine.”

Some however refuse to believe the BBC could treat them in the same way. “Get offffff the liine fooolisssssssssh hummaaaan,” The Ice Warriors told us.” The BBC could beeeee aaaatemptiiiiing to calllllll ussssssss right nooooow.”

We phoned the Rani for a comment but she was out getting her hair done.

Let me Take you by the Hand and Lead you Through the Streets of London

Thanks to the London Transport journey planner getting across the city has never been easier.

Click picture for full size.

Tragical Misery Tour

NEW THIS SPRING FROM TEAR-SPECKLED PRESS

Tear-Speckled Press is proud to announce the latest in its bestselling series of Tragic True Life Stories; Tin Man: How Can You Love If You Don't Have A Heart? by Francis Wilson.
When Bill had his brain scooped out and placed in a metal exoskeleton he thought his life had hit rock bottom; no love, no freedom, no hope and no emotions. Then a Doctor claims to want to help but does he?
Is he secretly plotting with his friends to make Bill's head explode?
Harrowing and inspirational, Tin Man: How Can You Love If You Don't Have A Heart? by Francis Wilson describes one man's struggle against a world which scooped his brain out of his body and then tried to leave him on the scrapheap.

OUT NOW IN PAPERBACK

If you'd lost it all how could you begin again? Bill Giles' acclaimed biography of Professor Zaroff tells the story of a man who lost his chance at life and then found it again under the sea.
Zaroff tells of one man's struggle against a world that never understood him. His loves; his hopes; his dream of raising Atlantis from the seafloor; and his other dream of turning shipwrecked mariners into Atlantean Fish People by fitting them with plastic gills and then forcing them to harvest food from the ocean; and his other dream of destroying the world. Moving and tragic, Zaroff by Bill Giles shows us the man the world never saw.

Awakened after a sleep of millions of years No Way Back by Bernard Davey tells of the struggle of the Silurians a brave race of refugees in a world that they can no longer call their own. Their one desire is a world fit for their children. Their one hope a lab-bred killer plague. Or, failing that, a machine to destroy the Van Allen radiation belt.
Tragic and >>SUB PLEASE INSERT SYNONYM<< No Way Back by Bernard Davey is a fitting tribute to a race that time truly forgot.

Phoning it in

Classified Adverts

Silurians


Drahvins

Gratuitous Nudity

Sexy Scythia is a Silurian stunna with a third eye and head ridges to drive any right-thinking Silurian fella out of his mind. We bet there's a lot of Silurian males who'd like to get their claws on her!

Sightly Scythia, 23, was spotted walking her pet Tyrannosaurus Rex in the park by our photographer and he liked what he dino-saw!

"I found my Tyrannosaurus a year ago," sultry Scythia says," he had an injured foot"; paw thing! Yes, sizzling Scythia may be cold-blooded but she's got a warm heart!

"I stayed awake for days rubbing ointment on his foot and changing the bandages,"; we bet quite a few of our readers wouldn't mind an all night session with sweet Scythia themselves! "I nursed him back to health" she says,"and now he follows me everywhere"; we know how it feels!

But despite being just what the doctor ordered super Scythia has no plans for a career in veterinary medicine. "I'm just an ordinary girl Silurian," she giggles,"I'd like to meet a nice male Silurian and settle down to raise a clutch of hatchlings"; eggsactly!