Showing posts with label The Unicorn and the Wasp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Unicorn and the Wasp. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Mary Whitehouse Experience*

Hello. I am the ghost of Mary Whitehouse. Wooooooooooo! When I'm not solving crimes with my detective partner I still monitor programmes which I found unsuitable during my time on Earth. I've made a list of the most inappropriate new Doctor Who stories and passed them on to Shouting Into A Well with the help of my friend Mrs Stokes.

Bad Wolf: This story glamorises Big Brother, a most unsuitable programme for children. This story also features gratuitous nudity when Captain Jack takes off all his clothes. You can see everything; bits, fairly naughty bits, and naughty bits. The only things you can't see are the extremely naughty bits. I must admit that, this shocking lapse of decency aside, I do like the Captain Jack character. Such a cheeky smile. One of these days that John Barrowman is going to make a lovely husband for some lucky lady.Tooth And Claw: This story pokes fun at the royal family in a most disrespectful way. It's not fair. They can't answer back you know.

Doomsday: Rose's mother is with child, by her father. I expect you're thinking," what's wrong with that?" I'll tell you what's wrong, they're not married! They are from different universes. Rose's Dad was married to Rose's Mum in one universe and Rose's Mum was married to Rose's Dad in another. It's nothing but the adulation of adultery and with the alternate version of the partner they were already married to but now aren't because they were married to the other one from their other universe.
No, I'm getting mixed up. it can't be adultery because each of their partners was dead before they met the other one of the person they had already married in the other universe. I'm pretty sure there's something immoral going on though.
The Cybermen are all nude as well!

OoooeeeeeOOOeeeeOOOOOOeeeeeeeoooo a death shall come upon this house! Oh dearie me. Sorry about that I think Mrs Stokes is picking another message. She says it's not her fault, apparently she is getting interference from another spirit level but I think a bad workman always blames his tools.

Gridlock: There's a lovely hymn in this story but the whole thing is quite unsuitable. A lady has maritial relations with a cat and then gives birth to kittens. Oh dear. I think I need a sit down and a cup of ghost tea. Disgraceful.

Voyage Of The D*mned: Apart from the fact that that the title has a swear word in it, and on Chistmas Day too, the shame, this story could make children afraid of going on boats.

Partners In Crime: The Adipose look very sweet but they are born out of both ladies and men. If children start thinking men can have babies who knows what could happen Not only that but even when the babies come from ladies they don't just come out of their tummies but anywhere on the ladies body. What are children meant to make of that?

The Unicorn And The Wasp: It's Gridlock all over again but this time with a bee!

The Doctor's Daughter: The Hath have lascivious eyes.

*This headline is reused from Doctor Who Magazine issue 327 (05/03/2003) in accordance with EU sustainability legislation (Directive 2002/96/EC) requiring a target of at least 30% joke recycling by 2010.
Shouting into a Well is committed to protecting your future by recycling other people's puns and is proud to guarantee that no less than five percent of all letters used in this blog come from sustainable sources.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Waters of Mars: We ask the BIG questions that matter!

“Water always wins,” says the Doctor in the trailer for The Waters of Mars, but is he right? Does water always win? We put his claim to the ultimate test.

An exclusive Shouting Into A Well Investigation

The End of the World
Battle: the Earth’s oceans vs a red hot exploding sun.
Result: As the sun expands the Earth is destroyed, there are no signs of any water in the rubble. It was the sun wot won it.
Verdict: a disappointing early defeat for water.

New Earth
Battle: water vs all New Earth’s worst diseases.
Result: using the water in the disinfectant shower the Doctor cures all New Earth’s worst diseases.
Verdict: water wins (with some help from future outer-space medicine).

The Runaway Bride
Battle: the river Thames vs the Empress of Racnoss.
Result: having unwisely built her base under the river, the Empress of Racnoss is destroyed and all her children are drowned.
Verdict: water victorious.

Smith and Jones
Battle: rain vs the Royal Hope hospital.
Result: the Judoon lift the hospital all the way to the Moon with the power of their H2O Scoop.
Verdict: water wins again, taking the Royal Hope hospital to the Moon and back again.

The Shakepeare Code
Battle: water vs the Master of the Revels.
Result: the Carrionites know the best way to deal with anyone who meddles in their plans; drown them with magic.
Verdict: the Doctor may claim that the Master of the Revels died of an imbalance of the humours but we all know it was really another victory for the unstoppable force of water.

The Fires of Pompeii
Battle: water vs the Pyroviles.
Result: nothing can stop the firey Pyroviles, nothing except…. Water!
Verdict: water comes out on top in the ancient alchemical struggle of one element against another.

Planet of the Ood
Battle: on the ice planet Ood-Sphere water seems disinclined to take part in the struggle for freedom between the Ood and the evil slave drivers of the Ood Corporation.
Verdict: some people probably froze to death though
Result: water wins by default.

The Doctor’s Daughter
Battle: a swamp vs a Hath.
Result: when the fish-like Hath falls into a swamp even it is unable to resist the awesome power of water; it drowns; gills are over-rated.
Result: water beats fish aliens.

The Unicorn and the Wasp
Battle: a lake vs the Vespiform.
Result: Vespiform drowns
Verdict: water rules.

Turn Left
Battle: the river Thames vs the Doctor and the Empress of Racknoss (and all her children).
Result: just this once everybody dies!
Verdict:water wins again.

Planet of the Dead
Battle: water vs a swarm of metallic stingray aliens.
Result: San Helios had a thriving ecosystem before metallic alien stingrays turned everything into sand; even the water.
Verdict: the last battle and water loses. How will this affect the final score?

Final score
With 9 out of 11 victories we can see that the success rate of water is an awkward 81.81818%. We have proved the Doctor is wrong to claim that water always wins but it is clear that in the eternal battle between water and things drowning in it, or sometimes being cooled or lifted into space, it’s best to bet on H2O

Will water triumph in The Waters of Mars or can the Doctor pull an unexpected last minute victory out of his hat? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Number crunching
Most watery series: with 8 out of the 11 stories listed here, it’s series 4.
Most common water victory: drowning with 5/11 wins.
Most water obsessed writer: Gareth Roberts whose three episodes all feature in this article. By comparison Russell T Davies only has a water obsession rate of 19% and many writers are seemingly unconcerned with water at all.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Missed Opportunities in Doctor Who Title Sequences

The E-Space stories
When the fourth Doctor got lost in E-Space he found it was green, what a shame they didn't colour the opening titles to match.



Vengeance on Varos
At the end of this Colin Baker story two residents of Varos stare at their blank television set and wonder what to do. If only the production team had cut the closing credits in on the monitor just for a second.

The Unicorn and the Wasp
It's a story featuring Felicity Kendal and a giant wasp; cue The Good Life credits.



Utopia
Sadly when Captain Jack hitched a lift on the outside of the TARDIS there was no little CGI Jack added into the title sequence.


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