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Eccleston's Bizarre Plot: More Details Revealed!

Today Shouting Into A Well reporters can expose more details of Christopher Eccleston's plot to regain the role of Doctor Who.

Yesterday we told you how Eccleston, in an attempt to return to the role he left in 2005, tried to convince the BBC that the year was 2006 and that he remained the actor playing the Doctor. The details of this plan involved:

- making new Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat believe he was Russell T. Davis by giving him a map of Britain on which Wales and Scotland had been swapped round.
- breaking into Upper Boat studios and replacing all the year planners, diaries and calendars with 2006 editions.
- secretly dying Karen Gillan's hair blonde to make her look like Billie Piper.
-crossing Matt Smith's telephone number out of the internal directory and writing his in its place.

It appears that this plan was at least partially successful, presumably contributing to new Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat's confusion over whether the 2010 series of Doctor Who was series one, five or thirty one.

At the time of publishing it remained unclear where new Doctor Who actor Matt Smith fitted into Eccleston's plans; that question has now been answered in a most grisly fashion. Our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has provided us with a picture almost certainly drawn by Eccleston himself clearly showing the Boon and Casualty actor gloating above a pit containing a figure recognisable as Smith. We must warn our readers that this picture may not be suitable for those of a nervous disposition.

SHOCKING: Could Eccleston have been planning to eat Matt Smith?

TOMORROW: our source has promised us more remarkable revelations about Eccleston's plan, including revealing how the actor used techniques he learned while playing the role of invisible agent Claude in Heroes to move undetected around the Doctor Who set.

Freema Agyeman.
Owing to an unfortunate printing error last week's story "Freema's Shocking Spider Secret!" accidentally gave the impression that Freema Agyman was a giant woman-spider hybrid who lured young men back to her web and wrapped them in silk before gruesomely feasting on their innards. In addition a breakdown of communications between the Art and Editorial departments then led to the article being illustrated with a photo showing Freema's head pasted onto the body of the Empress Of Racnoss with the caption,"HORRIFIC: According to our source this image of Spider Freema may be the last thing that countless young men have seen."

Having received representation from Freema's Management and Legal teams Shouting Into A Well is happy to assure our readers that this is not the case and we are pleased to apologise for any confusion this unfortunate and unavoidable error may have caused.

In Other News

New Captain Kirk Sexual Harassment Case Rocks Starfleet.
Starfleet today was attempted to deal with the fallout from yet another sexual harassment case involving Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise.

Read more

Liz 10 to Charles "I don't care if you've been waiting 300 years. I'm the bloody Queen and you'll get the job when it's your turn." Read more




Exclusive! Karen Gillan Walks Down The Street On Her Legs And Wears Clothes! Read more

Three Days And Counting...

It's time to get ready for series 1/5/A/31 (delete where applicable) of Doctor Who with Shouting Into A Well's exclusive Spoilerocious Guide.

The Eleventh Hour: The first episode. We're bound to see Matt Smith in this one and Karen Gillan as well, playing her character Amy Pond. Presumably this will be the episode where we see her wearing the fake Police uniform that was in all those internet photos a while back. Isn't there going to be a new TARDIS set? Shouting Into A Well has no information about that.

Episode Two: This one is called The Enemy Below or The Evil Underneath; something like that anyway. Before Shouting Into A Well stopped visiting other Doctor Who sites for fear of getting too much information about the new series we caught a glimpse of a picture of that weird grumpy looking bloke with the red eyes from the promotional picture; the one wearing the black top and what is possibly an Eton Collar (this could be significant). Anyway, that picture might have been next to an article about this story, so he's probably in it, or maybe not. The browser window got closed pretty damn quickly. Grumpy Man's head spins round in the trailer so look out for the moment when that happens.

Episode Three: Don't know.

Episode Four: Ditto.

Episode Five: Crumbs this is tricky.

Episode Six: There are a couple of shots in the trailer of strange green lizard-like creatures which have prompted much speculation about the return of the Draconians or Silurians. In actual fact episode seven sees the return of Zil a character from the 1979 Blake's 7 episode Trial, leading to the long awaited Doctor Who/Blake's 7 crossover.


Episode Seven:Note; next year don't try a spoiler guide without doing more than watching a couple of trailers.

Episodes Eight to Thirteen:?

The Backlash Begins!

Doctor Who fans are revolting. At Matt Smith that is!

The reviews of Matt Smith's first Doctor Who episode are in and they are all completely negative! Amazingly a simple Google web search for the keywords Matt Smith Eleventh Hour review -unbelievably -good -positive -brilliant -fantastic -highest -quality -amazing -superb -glorious -liked reveals no praise at all.

In fact as the screen-grab below shows, this search returned no results of any kind suggesting that the new series, which is due to start on 3rd April, could be a ratings disaster with publicity being poor to non-existent.


And, in an astonishing turn of events at the press launch for the series, new producer Steven Moffat himself blasted the performance of the two main characters saying,” I was such a huge fan of Doctor Who. I... want to know why... Matt Smith... doesn't come across...how I originally wrote the part. I think it is centrally vital for Doctor Who that … our two main characters... go.”


It is with regret that Shouting Into A Well covers this story. This blog does not wish to become a centre for fan protests about the shocking decline in quality of the new series, a first point of call for any fan who feels Doctor Who is heading in the wrong direction, but if this is a mantle which must be worn then it is one which is reluctantly accepted. Along with the inevitable publicity, cash , success, interviews, cash, television appearances, and cash which will doubtless follow. It will be long, hard, thankless, profitable, work and every mouthful of Groucho Club Champagne that washes down a handful of complimentary cashew nuts will taste like bitter ashes.

This is not a cynical attempt to drum up web hits by generating needless controversy before a single episode has even been shown. It is also not sour grapes at not being invited to the press launch; Shouting Into A Well had plans that night, anyway. This is about the future of Doctor Who!

New Doctor Who Branding Revealed

The first pictures of the new Doctor Who logo and branding were released to the press on Tuesday last week.

A spokesman for the BBC said," we hope that the positioning and branding of the new logo on Doctor Who will please the fans; at least more than it did Matt, anyway."

This news comes amid speculation that Matt Smith's face will appear in the title sequence, a first for the series since the days of Sylvester McCoy in the late 1980s...

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Obvious Jokes Dept.

FlashForward Deleted Scene

INT. OFFICE DAY
David S. Goyer and Brannon Braga, the creators of FlashForward, lie unconscious on the floor. Along with the rest of humanity they are seeing a vision of their future six months from now. The camera zooms in on their faces and we mix to see what they are experiencing.

CUT TO INT. SAME OFFICE DAY
Brannon sits looking anxious, the door opens. David enters.
DAVID: Our show's been cancelled.

What We Need Is A Brand New Way To Be Original

When Doctor Who comes back next year it's going to need an eye-catching gimmick to grab the attention of an increasingly jaded press; 3D episodes, live episodes, black and white episodes, musical episodes, animated episodes. They've all been done. Here are some more suggestions.

1. Everyone is invisible.
2. Silhouettes.
3. Smell-o-vision.
4. An episode that's filmed by the cast and acted by the technical crew.
5. Haiku dialogue:
Daleks conquered Earth
mankind is now enslaved
clouds weep tears of rain
6. A secret episode. Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and the rest of the cast perform the episode at an undisclosed location, it is never broadcast and no one talks about it.
7. Doctor Who on stilts!
8. A 4D episode (not sure how this one would work, maybe the picture would have length, width, height and passage of time or the sets could be designed with non-Euclidean geometry)
9. Invisible silhouettes! On stilts!!
10. A true live episode, Matt Smith and Karen Gillan perform the script in your living room while Steven Moffat pushes script pages under the door (a potential logistical nightmare)

Film Dialogue That Has Taken On A New Meaning Since The Film Was First Released
Number X in a series of Y
Goldeneye (1995)
Jack Wade speaking to James Bond and Natalya Simonova: "Maybe you two'd like to finish debriefing each other at Guantanamo?"

Who's Wearing What?

Exclusive to all newspapers

With the unveiling of Matt Smith's new costume an overworked junior reporter takes a look back at what other Doctors were wearing during the decades that fashion forgot!


David Tennant, he made wearing a crumpled brown suit look good.





Here he is again. In a dinner jacket!






And another picture of David Tennant looking full on gorgeous in blue!





Christopher Eccleston looked a bit hard and not as nice as David Tennant.





Paul McGann. Fans call him the forgotten Doctor. I'll never forget David Tennant.





Sylvester McCoy wore a lot of question marks and was Scotch. Like the lovely David Tennant.





Colin Baker wore bright colours! Eventually he was put on trial by his own people; for crimes against fashion!




Peter Davison. I remember him, he played a vet [sub please insert joke about the Doctor's worst enemy being Thatcher].




Tom Baker had a long scarf. It was the seventies when people like Twiggy and Slade wore mad clothes.




The other three. They wore clothes and some of them were black and white, imagine that!

Dress Matt Smith

Bored with that one publicity picture of Matt Smith?
Finding the wait for the unveiling of the new costume unbearable?
Can't wait until filming starts again?

Then Shouting into a Well's Dress Matt Smith Kit is for you!

Design a Doctor Who costume! Pretend to be Steven Moffat! Choose a new look for the new Doctor! Fill time!

Here's how it works:

Below is a collection of exciting costumes, some old and some new, plus some props that Matt Smith's Doctor might find handy. All you need to do is click on the picture to expand it to full size, print it and carefully cut out the shapes (you may want to get a Torchwood fan, or an adult to help you with this).

Once you are done, click on and print out the picture of Matt Smith, also provided, and place the clothes on to get the look you want.

The possibilities are infinite*

It's that easy!



Just look at these results.





* infinite used in the sense of great or large. The interactive Dress Matt Smith kit is in no sense boundless; it does not have a value greater than any arbitrarily large value; it is not unlimited in spacial extent; it is not a set capable of being put into one-to-one correspondence with a proper subset of itself; it is not without beginning or end; it does not extend beyond measure or comprehension.

Fans Unable to Wait Until 2010 Start Matt Smith Animation Project

In the absence of a new series of Doctor Who desperate fans have developed a plan to animate eleventh Doctor Matt Smith's stories before they are broadcast. The project was inspired by the animation of two missing episodes from the 1968 Doctor Who story The Invasion which was released on DVD in 2006.
" We just can't wait," said one of the fans involved who wished to remain anonymous," yes there are the other David Tennant specials to come but that's not enough when you're used to thirteen episodes a year."
So far the animators only have a few rough designs based on publicity photos but they are confident that the pace will increase as more details of the new series leak out.
" We'll fill in the blanks later. The script we've got so far is called The Something of Something. The Eleventh Doctor arrives on a planet in the TARDIS and lots of exciting things happen which the Doctor resolves in forty five minutes, unless it's a two parter in which case there will be a cliffhanger. We don't know who the companion is, or what she will look like, but we are confident that she will be involved in the thick of things and go on an emotional rollercoaster of a journey," our fan source added.

Out of the TARDIS

All the best Doctor Who celebrity gossip revealed especially for you.

Outgoing Tenth Doctor David Tennant has built an enormous orbiting space station from which he intends to mount an ambitious scheme to poison humanity before reshaping the planet in his own image. “First there was a dream. Now there is reality. Here, in the untainted cradle of the heavens, will be created a new super-race. A race of perfect physical specimens”, he announced in a message broadcast globally. David's plans are not expected to delay shooting on the remaining Doctor Who specials.

Meanwhile, incoming Eleventh Doctor, Matt Smith joined the Blue Peter team to launch this year's appeal which aims to destroy all Kangaroos in Australia. “ These monstrous chimeras of nature repel me”, he told waiting reporters,” they are not proper mammals and together we can wipe them from the face of the Earth”.

Christopher Eccleston was spotted attempting to climb over the fence at Upper Boat. Looking tanned and relaxed as Police cut him down from razor wire, the ex-Ninth Doctor shouted, “tell Russell I've changed my mind!” before being restrained and dragged into a van.

“I eat my peas with honey,” Billie Piper revealed yesterday,” I've done so all my life. It makes the peas taste funny. But it keeps them on my knife”. The admission, made before a jury of her peers, caused amazement before the court was adjourned for the day.

Elize du Toit teased fans recently when asked if her character, Sinister Woman, would be returning to Doctor Who. “I don't think so,” she quipped.

A celebrity feud could be brewing when Doctor Who returns in 2010. Potential companion Hannah Murray does not share Matt Smith's Kangaroo opinion. " Kangaroos are part of nature's cycle," she explained today," instead of killing them we need to work with them." "I think they should just be excommunicated and given a chance to mend their ways," she added.

Catherine Tate's transatlantic tunnel now extends three miles out to sea. Tate, who began digging the tunnel as a way to relax during filming breaks on series four of Doctor Who, has not yet decided if the tunnel will go to Washington or New York. “People keep telling me it's a long way to America but I just ask them 'Am I bovvered?' ” she joked at a recent occasion.

Which ex-Doctor Who companion has a younger brother, Domenic, and older sister, Leila? Freema Agyeman that's who! This information was revealed to us yesterday by Freema's IMDB page while googling for information to fill a paragraph.

Russell T. Davis has lashed Matt Smith's anti-Kangaroo views. "Kangaroos are not the problem, that would be Wombats. Wombats are nocturnal grazers and live in burrows. How can people respect that? I couldn't work with anyone who feels differently. Still it's Steven Moffat's problem now." ...Looks like this one could run and run.

With thanks to Ash Stewart for additional Wombat wrangling.

This week in Who

Lessons Learned on the casting of Matt Smith as Doctor #11.

1. It's really confusing to cast a new Doctor the week after broadcasting a story called "The Next Doctor".

"Have you seen the new Doctor Who?"
"The Next Doctor?"
"Yes, the new Doctor Who."
"No, do you mean have I seen the Next Doctor or the new Doctor?"
"I mean the new Doctor Who, the next Doctor".
(collapse of stout party)

2. Number crunching.

Percentage of online fans who have just worked out they are older than the new Doctor: 82%
Percentage of online fans taking comfort from the fact that while they are older than the new Doctor he is not yet young enough to be their son: 63%
Percentage of forums where someone posting about being older than the Doctor gets the reply,"you don't look 900 years old": 100%

BBC1 Christmas Day Scheduling Mixup Revealed