Why Don't They Call?

Doctor Who Monsters Slam Heartless BBC Recasting Policy

Scythia the Silurian no longer spends her time sitting by the phone, hope has turned to disappointment. "When we heard that the Silurians were returning to Doctor Who, everyone in my clutch-brood was excited but after a while we realised the BBC were not going to phone and ask us to be in the new series. It was such a shame.”

But the Silurians are not the only Doctor Who villains to be left out in the cold by Steven Moffat and his heartless Doctor Who mandarins. We spoke to heartless Doctor Who Mandarin, the Celestial Toymaker.

“I was the original and best,” fumes the Celestial Toymaker, “I was the one who came up with the idea of playing games with the Doctor and his friends.”

“When I head that a story this year featured the Doctor caught in a terrible game of choice I thought I was a shoe-in but I quickly heard back that the BBC thought my approach was old fashioned.”

“Games like hunt the thimble, hopscotch, and blind man's bluff are timeless. Anyway I offered to meet the BBC half way,” the Toymaker gestures angrily to a pile containing Ludo, Snakes And Ladders, a Vectrex console and a first edition Dungeons And Dragons Dungeon Master's Guide. “They made some feeble excuse about Health And Safety, before finally admitting that they though I was out of date! Then the BBC stopped returning my telegrams.”

“The Dream Lord?" The Toymaker sneers, “he's just an aspect of the Doctor's personality. Getting the same person to play two parts is simply a way for the BBC to cut down on the casting budget.”

“Would you like to play one of my games?” The Celestial Toymaker asks, pulling out a Cluedo set,” I've lost the Lead Pipe and the Revolver, so we'll have to make do with this piece of Lego and a lump of Blue tac, but I've still got most of the cards and we can use the dice from Monopoly.” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Ironically in their quest for the new, Doctor Who bosses also ignored an already established aspect of the Doctor's personality, the Valeyard. “I couldn't believe what I saw a couple of Saturdays ago,” the Valeyard seethes, “what is the point of creating another version of the Doctor's dark side?” “I'm a distillation of all the Doctor's evil between his twelfth and final regenerations, or something. I plotted to overthrow the High Council of the Time Lords; or steal the Doctor's remaining regenerations; I think; I had a Particle Disseminator and everything, although I forget what that was for. I definitely did put the Doctor on trial for his life, although I forget why I did that now. It seemed like a good idea. Anyway I'm pretty sure I survived. It was a crazy, confusing time. Colin Baker's coat gave me a migraine.”

Some however refuse to believe the BBC could treat them in the same way. “Get offffff the liine fooolisssssssssh hummaaaan,” The Ice Warriors told us.” The BBC could beeeee aaaatemptiiiiing to calllllll ussssssss right nooooow.”

We phoned the Rani for a comment but she was out getting her hair done.

Three Days And Counting...

It's time to get ready for series 1/5/A/31 (delete where applicable) of Doctor Who with Shouting Into A Well's exclusive Spoilerocious Guide.

The Eleventh Hour: The first episode. We're bound to see Matt Smith in this one and Karen Gillan as well, playing her character Amy Pond. Presumably this will be the episode where we see her wearing the fake Police uniform that was in all those internet photos a while back. Isn't there going to be a new TARDIS set? Shouting Into A Well has no information about that.

Episode Two: This one is called The Enemy Below or The Evil Underneath; something like that anyway. Before Shouting Into A Well stopped visiting other Doctor Who sites for fear of getting too much information about the new series we caught a glimpse of a picture of that weird grumpy looking bloke with the red eyes from the promotional picture; the one wearing the black top and what is possibly an Eton Collar (this could be significant). Anyway, that picture might have been next to an article about this story, so he's probably in it, or maybe not. The browser window got closed pretty damn quickly. Grumpy Man's head spins round in the trailer so look out for the moment when that happens.

Episode Three: Don't know.

Episode Four: Ditto.

Episode Five: Crumbs this is tricky.

Episode Six: There are a couple of shots in the trailer of strange green lizard-like creatures which have prompted much speculation about the return of the Draconians or Silurians. In actual fact episode seven sees the return of Zil a character from the 1979 Blake's 7 episode Trial, leading to the long awaited Doctor Who/Blake's 7 crossover.


Episode Seven:Note; next year don't try a spoiler guide without doing more than watching a couple of trailers.

Episodes Eight to Thirteen:?

Yes, It's Election Mania!

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With the 2010 election approaching, Shouting Into A Well takes a look at the posters the parties are hoping will encourage you to give them your vote.

First up are the Cybermen and, unusually for an emotionless robot-race, they are running a newspaper campaign that plays on the fear the electorate has for the opposition leader.

The Daleks on the other hand are playing the ball, and not the man, and going with a poster which attacks one of the Cybermen's central policies (click for bigger image)

The smaller parties are also making a big push with this simple, but direct, plea to the voters from the Ice Warriors.

And finally, this message from a first-time candidate.

Rough Guide to Mars

Introduction to Mars

Mars' reputation as the most monster filled planet in the solar system is well deserved. Remember the Mars Tourist Board's most successful slogan of recent years was “Mars. You won't always die horribly.”[1] Even this resulted in several lawsuits from grieving families which were only lost on the technicality that their loved ones were still living; albeit as drooling water-spewing monstrosities, irradiated spacemen, or prisoners of robot Egyptian Mummies.

That said, Mars has some of the most breathtaking scenery in the solar system and the video wills of several tourists have spoken of their amazement at the view while being thrown off the summit of Olympus Mons, or the magic of being chased, sobbing with fear, along the side of the Valles Marineris while Mars' twin moons Phobos and Deimos rise over the horizon.

This guide will give you a good idea of what to do, where to go, and tips on planning a low cost funeral.

Exploring Mars

South Mars: Home to the Ice Warriors, probably the most friendly of Mars' population of terrifying aliens. Their attitude to tourists has mellowed in recent years and you are now much less likely to be immediately shot on sight. Several tourists have led reasonably long lives as experimental specimens testing the Ice Warriors assorted plans to invade Earth. Another reason to avoid this section of Mars is the protracted legal dispute between the Ice Warriors and NASA; ever since NASA discovered the real reason its Mars Probes kept failing the writs have been flying, you really don't want to get subpoenaed as a witness.

East Mars: Forget it. The Fendahl passed through here nine million years ago and the place is deader than the corpses of the tourists that litter the rest of the Martian landscape.

North Mars: At some time in the 1970s or 1980s, records from that period are unclear, alien ambassadors from space stopped off on Mars on their way to Earth. Unfortunately a few of them remained and they are fiercely radioactive. Do not shake hands no matter how rude this makes you appear.

South-West Mars: Egyptian God Horus, for reasons best known to himself, built an enormous pyramid here as part of a plan to imprison his brother Sutekh on Earth. The pyramid remains but the reaction of most tourists is to its' collection of hoary old logic puzzles and spot the difference tests will be boredom. Boredom followed by terror, the Pyramid is also full of killer robot Egyptian Mummies which no one can deactivate.

Equatorial Mars: The previous location of Bowie Base One, radiation from the bases' explosion still lingers and can be relied on to provide a surprising reminder of your visit; possibly a third arm (or a fourth if you've already shaken hands with the alien ambassadors). It's best to stick to bottled water.
TOP TOURIST TRAVEL TIP: Don't drink any bottled water which you didn't bring in yourself, the surprisingly persistent drink vendors who work in the area often have an ulterior motive.

Continue to:
Where to stay
Things to see
Eating out
Surviving longer than twelve minutes

[1] Other slogans were “Mars: If you go at night the monsters probably can't see you”, “Mars: A good place to get away from life” and “Mars is SO bracing” the poster for which had to be withdrawn after a copyright dispute with the Skegness Tourist Board.