So What Were The Judoon Doing As Part Of The Monsters Alliance?

Really Should Have Done This While The World Cup Was On

One of the promotional images for the Doctor Who Live tour is of a Monsters First XI (that's 'XI' Doctor Who Live, not '11'; didn't you even study Roman numerals at school? -CLASSICAL ED.). However, a football team composed of Doctor Who monsters raises many questions.

No substitutes are present in the team photo. There is nothing wrong with this, although it seems unfair not to include them in the picture, but the names of all substitutes must be given to the referee before the match begins. Claiming your substitute is “Vashta Nerada” and then allowing billions of flesh eating bugs to swarm onto the pitch would be cheating; individual Vashta Nerada must be named.

None of the team are wearing the compulsory shin guards. In fact the whole team kit is a bit of a nightmare. Nobody is wearing regulation shorts, jerseys or footwear. The Vampire's diaphanous nightie could tangle round an opposition player causing injury. And where do you find a jersey that fits a Stone Angel?

Law 4: The players equipment. “The basic compulsory equipment must not have any political, religious or personal statements. A player removing his jersey or shirt to reveal slogans or advertising will be sanctioned by the competition organiser.” Unless the Monster's First XI is sponsored by Cybus industries the Cyberman will need to cover up the Cybus logo to avoid being in breach of Law Four.

“A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (including any kind of jewellery).” Several of the team are brandishing weapons. They will have to leave them by the side of the pitch.

Likewise the Ood cannot bring his translation sphere onto the pitch in case it gets damaged but this will make it difficult for him to shout instructions to other players.

This also applies to the Juddon. Without his translator, he's going to be no help. By the time he's shouted “look out Silurian, on your left, Give him a target on the flank “ (“No! Kro! Blo! Ko! Sho! Wo Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo Blo So! Kro! Blo! Flo Ho! Ro Go! Co Vo! Ko!” ) The other team will be halfway down the pitch with the ball.

Where does the Stone Angel play? It can only move when no one is looking at it. Goal is out because being frozen in one spot would make it useless during penalty shoot outs; likewise attacking is impossible because the opposition keeper only has to stare at the Angel. The best position is probably midfield, where there's at least a chance for the ball to bounce off it, or for an opposition player to run into it and injure themselves.

At least three of the players cannot head the ball. The Clockwork Droid would jar its delicate internal mechanism, the Scarecrow's head is full of straw and the Judoon cannot head the ball without puncturing it.

Daleks cannot take throw-ins, or kick the ball, and attempting to use the plunger during play would be classed as handball. The Skaro mutant could compensate for this by melding with an opposition player Dalek Sec style but this would probably be classed as unsporting behaviour and result in a yellow card or free kick to the other team.

Altogether the Monsters First XI seems unlikely to make a successful team relegation to a lower league must inevitably follow.

Holiday Time

Merchandising News

Animal Magnetism has announced it is discontinuing its range of Doctor Who costumes.
Two costumes were issued for the first wave of releases Sisters of Plenitude: My Kitten Dress-Up Kit (from the episodes New Earth and Gridlock) which came with a whimple, thermometer and guide to training your kitten to take your temperature, pictured left, and Tritovore: My Fly Dress-Up Kit (Planet Of The Dead), pictured below actual size.
Sales of both costumes were lower than hoped but the final decision to cancel the range came after the company's headquarters was badly damaged while testing the next release Judoon: My Rhinoceros Dress-Up Kit (Smith and Jones, The Stolen Earth, and Sarah Jane Adventures: Prisoner Of The Judoon); several employees were also gored.

News Update

Back in April this year Shouting Into A Well asked if the Doctor was correct when he claimed that,” water always wins.” Results at the time gave water an actual victory rate of 81.81818% . With the broadcast of The Waters of Mars those results can now be reassessed.

Water does not score a clear victory in The Waters of Mars. It is undoubtedly on the way to winning when play is interrupted by Captain Adelaide Brooke's detonation of Bowie Base One. In the event the judging panel decided that this result was a draw bringing water's final victory rate down to 75%. With nine wins, two defeats and a draw water now goes on to meet Blackburn in the semi-final.

We're Smiles Better

Goin' On A Holiday. Part Two

Click picture to see full size.



!Exciting Competition!

In an unlikely turn of events -and an unwelcome intrusion of reality into a blog which is otherwise Doctor Who related whimsy-, Shouting Into A Well is going undercover at the Hurricane Who Convention.

If you are there see if you can guess which of the guests spends far too long making pictures of Abba with Donna Noble's face, or thinking up bad places to hide the Osterhagen Key. No prizes, it's just for fun, but if you work it out come and say hello, otherwise I'll just spend the weekend blinking in the unaccustomed sunlight and worrying about whether Gareth David-Lloyd might be offended if asked to sign a colour printout of this

Using Your Doctor Who Action Figures To Recreate Scenes From Other Television Series

Number 7136: One Foot In The Grave

Requires: Doctor Constantine as Victor Meldrew, and Grandma Connolly as Margaret Meldrew.
Sample Dialogue:
Victor: Hello dear, I'm home, and... and... what the? Your face has been eaten by the television set! I don't believe it!

Next Week: Using Your Doctor Who Action Figures To Recreate Scenes From Other Television Series Number 7137: Watchdog.
Recreating BBC1's consumer programme using two Judoon Trooper figures as The Rogue Traders, The Editor as the sleazy businessman in his suit and tie, and Lady Cassandra as Anne Robinson.