Doctor Who News, News!

Split Season For 2011 Doctor Who

New Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat has announced that the 2011 series of Doctor Who will be split between the spring and autumn.

Fan speculation has concentrated on how the split will work. For example could the stories be divided into a block of seven episodes in the spring followed by six in the autumn? In fact, as Shouting Into A Well can exclusively reveal, the split is a literal one. There will be a standard 13 episode run in spring with the right side of the screen-blanked out -along with the audio for all events which happen there-, followed in autumn by a second block of 13 episodes which shows the opposite. The complete episodes will then be available to purchase on DVD.

How The Split Would Have Worked On Series 5

Rory and Amy gasp in surprise at something. What is it? You'll have to wait until autumn to find out.

It's the Doctor, confronted by himself from the future!

And how the scene will look recombined on DVD.

Moffat Promises “Gamechanging Cliffhanger”

New Producer Steven Moffat has also announced that next years' mid-series cliffhanger will be “gamechanging”.

As yet Shouting Into A Well has no information about the nature of this cliffhanger but here are ten possibilities.

1. River Song shoots the Doctor.
2. The Doctor shoots River Song.
3. Amy Pond shoots River Song and the Doctor with a single bullet
4. The Daleks shoot J.R.
5. River Song is the Rani
6. Amy Pond is the Rani
7. Amy Pond is River Song
8. Amy Pond is the Rani disguised as River Song
9. The Rani shoots the Doctor.
10. It was all a dream.

GAMECHANGING: An artist's impression of the 2011 mid-series cliffhanger. The Rani looks on with a sneer as Amy Pond and the Doctor hold each other at gunpoint.

Shouting Into A Well To Seek New Photoshop Artist

In unrelated news Shouting Into A Well is to search for a new Photoshop artist. No details have been announced of the events which led to the firing of the previous artist.

Why Don't They Call?

Doctor Who Monsters Slam Heartless BBC Recasting Policy

Scythia the Silurian no longer spends her time sitting by the phone, hope has turned to disappointment. "When we heard that the Silurians were returning to Doctor Who, everyone in my clutch-brood was excited but after a while we realised the BBC were not going to phone and ask us to be in the new series. It was such a shame.”

But the Silurians are not the only Doctor Who villains to be left out in the cold by Steven Moffat and his heartless Doctor Who mandarins. We spoke to heartless Doctor Who Mandarin, the Celestial Toymaker.

“I was the original and best,” fumes the Celestial Toymaker, “I was the one who came up with the idea of playing games with the Doctor and his friends.”

“When I head that a story this year featured the Doctor caught in a terrible game of choice I thought I was a shoe-in but I quickly heard back that the BBC thought my approach was old fashioned.”

“Games like hunt the thimble, hopscotch, and blind man's bluff are timeless. Anyway I offered to meet the BBC half way,” the Toymaker gestures angrily to a pile containing Ludo, Snakes And Ladders, a Vectrex console and a first edition Dungeons And Dragons Dungeon Master's Guide. “They made some feeble excuse about Health And Safety, before finally admitting that they though I was out of date! Then the BBC stopped returning my telegrams.”

“The Dream Lord?" The Toymaker sneers, “he's just an aspect of the Doctor's personality. Getting the same person to play two parts is simply a way for the BBC to cut down on the casting budget.”

“Would you like to play one of my games?” The Celestial Toymaker asks, pulling out a Cluedo set,” I've lost the Lead Pipe and the Revolver, so we'll have to make do with this piece of Lego and a lump of Blue tac, but I've still got most of the cards and we can use the dice from Monopoly.” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Ironically in their quest for the new, Doctor Who bosses also ignored an already established aspect of the Doctor's personality, the Valeyard. “I couldn't believe what I saw a couple of Saturdays ago,” the Valeyard seethes, “what is the point of creating another version of the Doctor's dark side?” “I'm a distillation of all the Doctor's evil between his twelfth and final regenerations, or something. I plotted to overthrow the High Council of the Time Lords; or steal the Doctor's remaining regenerations; I think; I had a Particle Disseminator and everything, although I forget what that was for. I definitely did put the Doctor on trial for his life, although I forget why I did that now. It seemed like a good idea. Anyway I'm pretty sure I survived. It was a crazy, confusing time. Colin Baker's coat gave me a migraine.”

Some however refuse to believe the BBC could treat them in the same way. “Get offffff the liine fooolisssssssssh hummaaaan,” The Ice Warriors told us.” The BBC could beeeee aaaatemptiiiiing to calllllll ussssssss right nooooow.”

We phoned the Rani for a comment but she was out getting her hair done.

Innuendo Watch

After a strong showing in Flesh And Stone the phrase 'Amy Pond's crack' (as in "did you see Doctor Who this week? The Weeping Angels fell into Amy Pond's crack and totally disappeared!") remains funny this week.

Our panel of independent assessors have awarded 'Amy Pond's crack' a rating of 4.2 on the Croft-Lloyd scale; roughly equivalent to one verse of the George Formby song With My Little Stick Of Blackpool Rock, Barbara Windsor holding a lovely pear, or seven Punch cartoons of a Vicar looking at a hen house and congratulating the farmer on the size of his cockerel.

Previous innuendos in Doctor Who have included The Space Museum where the first Doctor is caught by the Moroks, the fourth Doctor announcing that his medical friend Harry Sullivan is "only qualified to work on sailors" and the Rani, in Time And The Rani, saying "leave the girl, it's the man I want". None have rated higher than the playground joke about a woman with a missing dog called Titswobble.

TOP MARKS: Live from the town of Intercourse Pennsylvania our panel of judges give Amy Pond's crack it's best score yet!

The Croft-Lloyd scale is logarithmic and to achieve a rating of 5.0, Amy Pond's crack will need to compare with a five minute sequence of misunderstandings from 'Allo 'Allo including; flashing knobs; Monsieur LeClerc wearing a pair of exploding trousers; and Lieutenant Gruber hiding the Knockwurst containing the Fallen Madonna With The Big Bobbies down his trousers and inviting Rene into his little tank to help pull the sausage out.

It is extremely unlikely that the phrase will ever reach a rating of 10 (or fifty megacarryons). The highest score of any innuendo to date is Mrs Slocombe's pussy which rated 8.6 in March 1977 after being left outside during a heavy rainstorm. Long term exposure to this level of innuendo is toxic and can lead to sniggering, mucking about, and eye-rolling while pulling a shocked face and saying,”ooh Matron, take them away.”

Three Days And Counting...

It's time to get ready for series 1/5/A/31 (delete where applicable) of Doctor Who with Shouting Into A Well's exclusive Spoilerocious Guide.

The Eleventh Hour: The first episode. We're bound to see Matt Smith in this one and Karen Gillan as well, playing her character Amy Pond. Presumably this will be the episode where we see her wearing the fake Police uniform that was in all those internet photos a while back. Isn't there going to be a new TARDIS set? Shouting Into A Well has no information about that.

Episode Two: This one is called The Enemy Below or The Evil Underneath; something like that anyway. Before Shouting Into A Well stopped visiting other Doctor Who sites for fear of getting too much information about the new series we caught a glimpse of a picture of that weird grumpy looking bloke with the red eyes from the promotional picture; the one wearing the black top and what is possibly an Eton Collar (this could be significant). Anyway, that picture might have been next to an article about this story, so he's probably in it, or maybe not. The browser window got closed pretty damn quickly. Grumpy Man's head spins round in the trailer so look out for the moment when that happens.

Episode Three: Don't know.

Episode Four: Ditto.

Episode Five: Crumbs this is tricky.

Episode Six: There are a couple of shots in the trailer of strange green lizard-like creatures which have prompted much speculation about the return of the Draconians or Silurians. In actual fact episode seven sees the return of Zil a character from the 1979 Blake's 7 episode Trial, leading to the long awaited Doctor Who/Blake's 7 crossover.


Episode Seven:Note; next year don't try a spoiler guide without doing more than watching a couple of trailers.

Episodes Eight to Thirteen:?

Thatcher, Thatcher, Zygon Lactic Fluid Snatcher

Congratulations to The Sunday Times and their exclusive revelation that allegorical science-fiction contains allegories. The allegory here being a character in the 1987 Doctor Who story The Happiness Patrol who was sort-of based on Margaret Thatcher.

The story has certainly captured the imagination of the rest of the media; The Daily Telegraph, The Daily Mail, The Guardian, The Daily Express, The Daily Mirror, and Newsnight

Shouting Into A Well commends our alert Fourth Estate and looks forwards to next weeks revelations that Star Trek (1968) once broadcast a story dealing with the war in Vietnam, V (1983) was really about the Nazis, Godzilla (1954) represented Japan's fear of atomic weapons, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1955)=communists, and Quatermass And The Pit (1958) almost certainly pre-empted Encoch Powell's River's Of Blood speech by ten years.

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Over-analysing the Planet of the Dead trailer: so you don't have to

A London bus in a desert. There are three key facts to note about this image.
1)There are no deserts in London which suggests that Planet of the Dead takes place in Outer Space.
2)The front of every bus shows its number and destination. Here this information is hidden by the angle of the bus, possibly to conceal a spoiler.
3)Although we know this episode is called Planet of the Dead, there are no dead people to be seen. As an experienced television writer Russell T. Davis would know to avoid such a careless error. The dead are probably hiding under the sand or behind the bus.

The Doctor examines some sand. Note that the Doctor's shadow extends beyond his head. The sun rises in the east, to cast a shadow like this the Doctor must be facing south which suggests the wind blowing the sand is coming from the west. Unless it is the afternoon in which case he is facing north and the wind is blowing from the east.

An insect holding a gun. Doctor Who often uses animal-headed aliens as a metaphor. New Earth for example featured cat-headed nuns running a hospital as a metaphor for the way nurses like to play with their patients before killing and eating them. Alternatively the insect could have a gun to stop the dead from bothering London Transport users while they wait for a connecting bus back to Earth.

There appears to be at least three female passengers on the bus. Could this be a clue to the return of the notorious female Timelord, The Rani?

The Doctor and Michelle Ryan's character see something off camera. Possibly a dead person, or an insect-headed alien holding a gun, or maybe the Doctor has just said," look at the Rani over there!".

An experienced actor like David Tennant knows body language gives important information about the way a character feels. In this frame the David Tennant faces away from Michelle Ryan suggesting that the Doctor feels awkward and uncomfortable. He is probably missing Donna.

Don't know what this is.

Russell T. Davis knows that it is important for a trailer to tell the audience when a programme is being shown. Here we see that Planet of the Dead is being shown on Saturday 11th April on BBC1. Unfortunately someone has forgotten to include the time, an elementary mistake which should have been avoided.

In other news:

Wednesday April 1st, 2009. G20 leaders assemble in London for the first showing of the Planet of the Dead trailer.