General Sontar's Puzzle Corner

Ten-hut Troopers! General Sontar here to remind you that it's just as important to work on your wits as it is to practice obeying the orders of a superior officer without question, shielding your Probic vent from the enemy, and putting a charged quantum shot through the cyanotic node of a Rutan at 600 Sontaran paces! With that in mind our top strategy boffins have put together this test. It's more challenging than a twenty-seven day forced route march through the gas swamps of Hypoxia VI!

Question 1: Join the dots

(answer to last week's Join the dots puzzle. Unfortunately last week's dots formed a circle, if you are still attempting this puzzle then stop now)

Question 2: Word Jumlbe (set by Clive Doig)

(clue, you shoot them with the front of your gun)

Question 3: Spot The Difference

Oh No! In preparing an image for publication in the glorious Sontaran Standard newspaper the picture editor has accidentally made ten changes. Can you spot the difference?

(Answer: The difference is between a Sontaran who can do his job properly and one who makes incompetent mistakes! The picture editor's entire squad was reduced to genetic material as punishment. REMEMBER: SLOPPY ERRORS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!)

Question 4: A-mazing Maze

Travel through the maze to find out what the lovely kitten wants to wear.
(Answer to last week's A-mazing Maze. The naughty puppy had chewed the slippers)

HOW DID YOU DO?
Completion time
Five hours plus: more work needed Trooper
Three to five hours: average
Two to three hours: keep up the good effort Soldier
Two hours or less: report to the Promotion Sphere for Officer Upgrade and Naming Ceremony.

General Sontar: He Speaks Sontar Listens

Are YOU Thinking What He's Thinking?*
*If you are not thinking what General Sontar is thinking then please report to Vat 69 for Genetic Reprocessing. Independent thought threatens the Sontaran race.
Typical! The Pandorica is barely closed and here comes the namby-pamby liberal non-Sontaran elite crawling out of the woodwork; again! “It’s cruel to imprison The Doctor in a box forever,” they moan. “There should have been another way,” they simper. Remind me, what was at stake here again? Oh yes, that’s right. Everything! Well, I don’t know about you but I happen to like living in the universe!

Why should we feel sorry for the Doctor? What sort of holiday camp prison are do-gooders expecting for someone who was going to blow up all of space? Do you care if there is no television, toilet or hypernet access? I don't. The Pandorica has air. It has something to sit on. Frankly I think we’ve been more than generous.

Four times! That's how often the Doctor has interfered in legitimate Sontaran actions across the galaxy. Four! And yet we're the ones being unreasonable. You couldn't make it up. "Don't forget the Doctor has also killed Rutans," the Politically Correct Czars demand I add in the name of balance. Killed Rutans? He blew up one spaceship! One, compared to the four times he has taken action against our bold boys defending legitimate Sontaran interests across the Galaxy. From where I'm standing that makes him a Rutan Lover! And that means I don’t love him at all!

So I say three cheers to the coalition that put this intergalactic menace where he deserves to be; in a box, forever. Three cheers for our brave Sontaran troops who will soon be attacking our so-called coalition allies while their guard is down. Three cheers for those keen sighted enough to see that nothing is more important than the future existence of everything we know, love, and deserve to conquer for the greater glory of the Sontaran race.

Funny, I thought I heard a noise outsi

Read General Sontar every week in The Sontaran Standard; although possibly not next week.

We're Smiles Better

Merchandising Update

With the new year approaching Shouting Into A Well takes a look at the latest batch of calendars due to hit the shops soon.

The 365 Sontarans A Year Wall Calandar: A daily calendar featuring 365 individual pictures of a race of clones who all wear the same type of battle armour.
Rating: Monotonous.

Naked Cybermen: Cybus Industries' latest doomed attempt to convince the public to have their brains scooped out of their heads and placed in metal shells. A series of pictures of Cybermen in various states of undress which, according to the press release aims to,” show that under the skin of iron is a warm beating human heart.” This is only too clearly demonstrated in the picture for October which looks like a scene from Hellraiser.
Rating: Unbelievably disgusting.

The Official Vashta Nerada Calendar: Initially disappointing effort from the microscopic creatures who live in shadows, it appears to be nothing but twelve blank, black pages. However the Vashta Nerada assure Shouting Into A Well that each calendar is impregnated with billions of eggs guaranteed to hatch, swarm and devour purchasers when night falls.
Rating: To die for!

Waterskiing Werewolves: An unusual charity calendar produced by the Brethren of St Catherine's Glen Monastery. Impressive photography raising money for a worthy cause, a pound from each calendar sold goes towards infecting Prince Charles with Lycanthropy, makes this an excellent buy.
Rating: lupus magnus est, lupus fortis est, lupus deus est.

Just Daleks In Hats: Like the title says, twelve A4 sized pictures of Daleks going about their daily business enslaving other races, making Pig Slaves, and plotting the total destruction of all matter in the universe while wearing a selection of hats. Interestingly enough one of the Daleks in the photo for July, (Daleks in berets destroy the Eiffel Tower, caption:”ooh la-la!”) is also wearing a cravat.
Rating: Stylish.

Doctor Who: New companion gimmick revealed 'no thumbs'

• Speculation mounts that the great, long, red-legged Scisssorman will be the first new villain for series 5.

• Hitch-hiking script abandoned.

• Tom Thumb to appear in 'celebrity historical' script.

• Or possibly Thumbelina.

• Oh, or maybe Little Jack Horner.

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Thumbs
1. A 'rule of thumb' is a rule or principle that provides guidance to appropriate behaviour.
2. It turns out there are not ten things to know about thumbs...Read More.

In Other News

Blog unable to think of caption for bizarre London Underground publicity photograph. Read More.