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Eccleston's Bizarre Plot: More Details Revealed!

Today Shouting Into A Well reporters can expose more details of Christopher Eccleston's plot to regain the role of Doctor Who.

Yesterday we told you how Eccleston, in an attempt to return to the role he left in 2005, tried to convince the BBC that the year was 2006 and that he remained the actor playing the Doctor. The details of this plan involved:

- making new Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat believe he was Russell T. Davis by giving him a map of Britain on which Wales and Scotland had been swapped round.
- breaking into Upper Boat studios and replacing all the year planners, diaries and calendars with 2006 editions.
- secretly dying Karen Gillan's hair blonde to make her look like Billie Piper.
-crossing Matt Smith's telephone number out of the internal directory and writing his in its place.

It appears that this plan was at least partially successful, presumably contributing to new Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat's confusion over whether the 2010 series of Doctor Who was series one, five or thirty one.

At the time of publishing it remained unclear where new Doctor Who actor Matt Smith fitted into Eccleston's plans; that question has now been answered in a most grisly fashion. Our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has provided us with a picture almost certainly drawn by Eccleston himself clearly showing the Boon and Casualty actor gloating above a pit containing a figure recognisable as Smith. We must warn our readers that this picture may not be suitable for those of a nervous disposition.

SHOCKING: Could Eccleston have been planning to eat Matt Smith?

TOMORROW: our source has promised us more remarkable revelations about Eccleston's plan, including revealing how the actor used techniques he learned while playing the role of invisible agent Claude in Heroes to move undetected around the Doctor Who set.

Freema Agyeman.
Owing to an unfortunate printing error last week's story "Freema's Shocking Spider Secret!" accidentally gave the impression that Freema Agyman was a giant woman-spider hybrid who lured young men back to her web and wrapped them in silk before gruesomely feasting on their innards. In addition a breakdown of communications between the Art and Editorial departments then led to the article being illustrated with a photo showing Freema's head pasted onto the body of the Empress Of Racnoss with the caption,"HORRIFIC: According to our source this image of Spider Freema may be the last thing that countless young men have seen."

Having received representation from Freema's Management and Legal teams Shouting Into A Well is happy to assure our readers that this is not the case and we are pleased to apologise for any confusion this unfortunate and unavoidable error may have caused.

In Other News

New Captain Kirk Sexual Harassment Case Rocks Starfleet.
Starfleet today was attempted to deal with the fallout from yet another sexual harassment case involving Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise.

Read more

Liz 10 to Charles "I don't care if you've been waiting 300 years. I'm the bloody Queen and you'll get the job when it's your turn." Read more




Exclusive! Karen Gillan Walks Down The Street On Her Legs And Wears Clothes! Read more

Summer Filler Week

It's The Debate That Is Dividing The Nation: Team Edward or Team Jacob? We Ask The Doctor Who Stars!
This week: Christopher Eccleston



Next Week: Paul McGann chooses Edward.




It is 41 years and 9 days since Star Trek was first broadcast on BBC1. In honour of this anniversary here are five* bad uses for Star Trek technology.

1. Use the transporter to beam someone into space for three seconds, as a joke.
2. Use a phaser to kill flies.
3. Try ordering "Captain Picard" from a replicator.
4. When a crew member is on a diet secretly transport doughnuts into their stomach.
5. See when happens when you order a replicator from a replicator.

*no one could think of ten.

The Years Between

Dinosaurs at the North Pole, Polar Bears in Australia, Nile Penguins, Pharaohs in the Himalayas. What else was going on while the Doctor was locked in the Pandorica?

FADE IN MUSIC At the Castle Gate.
CAPTION SLIDE: A blank black picture, FADE TO another blank black picture, FADE TO another blank black picture.
OVERLAY CAPTION: The Sky At Night

CUT TO STUDIO
SIR PATRICK MOORE: Good evening. Welcome to this edition of The Sky At Night. I am joined by the astronomer Heather Couper. Heather, welcome.
HEATHER COUPER: Nice to be here Sir Patrick.
SIR PATRICK MOORE: Heather, what can you tell us about the sky at night?
HEATHER COUPER: Well Patrick, it's black, very, very black. With nothing at all to look at except when the Moon is out.
SIR PATRICK MOORE: Well, that's all there is to say about the Sky At Night this month. Join us for the next edition when we will be probably be talking about the Moon; again.
STUDIO LIGHTS DIM
FADE IN MUSIC At the Castle Gate.
ROLL CLOSING TITLES

CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow evening at six there is another chance to see an edition of the classic science fiction series Trek. This week Captain Kirk decides to fly the USS Enterprise round the Earth in an anti-clockwise direction while the crew cross their fingers and hope something happens for a change.

Amy Pond Kissogram: At Your Service

Lads* here’s your chance to get a snog with Amazing Pouting Amy Pond!

Now that The Eleventh Hour has revealed Amy works as a Kissogram, Shouting Into A Well is proud to give YOU a chance to dress Awesome Pneumatic Amy Pond in the costume of your dreams** and then kiss her!

Here’s how it works.

Cut out the picture to the left of Amy. She's dressed in her Policewoman costume and you COULD get a snog off her straight away but, just for fun, we've also provided a selection of alternate saucy costumes for you to choose from; as well as a few fun props which we think Amy might want to use.

Cut the costumes out, dress Amy in the costume of your choice, and pucker up.

It's literally that easy!

(note: you'll need to click on the images to see the full sized picture before cutting them out)






It's literally all in YOUR imagination! But remember, Kissograms often say a fun and saucy line before they deliver their message! For example, Naughty Policewoman Amy might say,"I'll have to TAKE DOWN your particulars". Don't worry if you can't think of anything for Amy to say at first, we've provided three to get you started.





* And lasses; Shouting Into A Well is proud to be a non-discriminatory purveyor of lechery to Doctor Who fans.
** Any similarity between this blog entry and Shouting Into A Well's earlier Dress Matt Smith is entirely co-incidental ish. Although thinking about it, if you wanted you could probably dress Matt Smith up and snog him as well, or not, as you prefer, or you could make Matt Smith snog Amy Pond! It’s a snogasbord!

That Was The Year That Was

In all the excitement of last week's news (Character Options have had their license renewed!) there was no chance to look back at 2008. And what a year it was! Here's a reminder of some of the stories which made the headlines.

The Olympics 2012 committee hired David Tennant to light the Olympic flame at the start of the London games," in order to ensure that the London Olympics are cannon."

In the book T Is For Television, Russell T. Davies admits he doesn't remember the Apollo 11 Moon landing of July 20th 1969 on the grounds that," it probably wasn't as good as that week's Doctor Who!" His shameful ignorance of basic Who lore, namely that series 6 had finished broadcasting on 21st June 1969, immediately outs Davis as a fake Doctor Who fan and a red-faced Russell announces his resignation.

The Doctor Who Restoration Team revealed the success of the Colour Recovery Working Group who have pulled colour information from black and white film prints. Their next project? Turning lead into gold.

As the latest series of Doctor Who comes to an end Doctor Who magazine's latest issue has alternate covers. So does the Radio Times. Later in the year SFX also has multiple Doctor covers as does the British Medical Journal which is accused of "cashing in".

The Royal Shakespeare Company sets limits on what fans can bring to the stage door for David Tennant and Patrick Stewart to sign while they appear in Hamlet. Luckily no such restriction applies to other cast members and John Woodvine (The Marshall, The Armageddon factor), Zoe Thorne (Toclafane voice, The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords. Gelth voice, The Unquiet Dead), Roderick Smith (Cruikshank, The Invisible Enemy) and Andrea Harris (Suzanne, The Stolen Earth) are nearly buried under piles of tat.

Just Routine