Looking for love in all the wrong places

Great Moments in Merchandising

First up an old classic, the Doctor Who Easter egg which, with a little adaptation, could probably still be used should Peter Davison decide to advertise Viagra.
Thanks to www.richardwho.com for the Suchard Easter Egg picture

Secondly, the cover for The Macra Terror audio CD on which some airbrushed crazed artist has drawn fangs and given the cover star a shave to remove all that unsightly facial hair.

A Macra, yesterday.

Now with fangs! Extra frightening!

Sadly none of the other audio CD covers have been artistically enhanced to such a degree but take a close look at the cover for The Invasion which appears to feature a tidal wave of fire hidden under the Doctor Who logo.

Parlons Français!

Bonjour! Or if you are an Elf "creoso!" Each year many inhabitants of Middle-earth are reluctant to visit France because of their unfamiliarity with the language. Well this handy guide is designed to get conversing with confidence. Let us begin lesson one. Leçon une.

" Je m'appelle Sauron. J'habite au Mordor"
" I am called Sauron. I live in Mordor."


" Je m'appelle Elrond. J'ai plus de trois mille ans."
" I am called Elrond. I am over three thousand years old."


" Écoutez! Boromir souffle la corne de Gondor"
" Listen! Boromir is blowing the horn of Gondor.


" Ne donnez pas la boucle à Frodo. Donnez-le moi.
" Do not give the ring to Frodo. Give it to me!"


" Regardez les Elfes. Les Elfes sont gentils."
" Look at the Elves. The Elves are nice."


" Regardez les Orques. Les Orques ne sont pas gentil."
" Look at the Orcs. The Orcs are not nice."


" Je m'appelle Aragorn. C'est l'epée qui etait cassé. Je l'ai réparée."
" I am called Aragorn. This is the sword that was broken. I have fixed it."

If you have found this guide useful then why not recommend it to your friends. They may also like to try; 501 Spanish Verbs (Hobbit pocket-sized edition); Holiday Greek for Ents; and Italian The Great Worm Way.

Tragical Misery Tour

NEW THIS SPRING FROM TEAR-SPECKLED PRESS

Tear-Speckled Press is proud to announce the latest in its bestselling series of Tragic True Life Stories; Tin Man: How Can You Love If You Don't Have A Heart? by Francis Wilson.
When Bill had his brain scooped out and placed in a metal exoskeleton he thought his life had hit rock bottom; no love, no freedom, no hope and no emotions. Then a Doctor claims to want to help but does he?
Is he secretly plotting with his friends to make Bill's head explode?
Harrowing and inspirational, Tin Man: How Can You Love If You Don't Have A Heart? by Francis Wilson describes one man's struggle against a world which scooped his brain out of his body and then tried to leave him on the scrapheap.

OUT NOW IN PAPERBACK

If you'd lost it all how could you begin again? Bill Giles' acclaimed biography of Professor Zaroff tells the story of a man who lost his chance at life and then found it again under the sea.
Zaroff tells of one man's struggle against a world that never understood him. His loves; his hopes; his dream of raising Atlantis from the seafloor; and his other dream of turning shipwrecked mariners into Atlantean Fish People by fitting them with plastic gills and then forcing them to harvest food from the ocean; and his other dream of destroying the world. Moving and tragic, Zaroff by Bill Giles shows us the man the world never saw.

Awakened after a sleep of millions of years No Way Back by Bernard Davey tells of the struggle of the Silurians a brave race of refugees in a world that they can no longer call their own. Their one desire is a world fit for their children. Their one hope a lab-bred killer plague. Or, failing that, a machine to destroy the Van Allen radiation belt.
Tragic and >>SUB PLEASE INSERT SYNONYM<< No Way Back by Bernard Davey is a fitting tribute to a race that time truly forgot.

Is that Pun Loaded?

While the documentaries on the Doctor Who DVDs are very good their titles can be a bit variable. Getting a Head on the Brain of Morbius is great and Hello Sailor!, on the Sea Devils cannot be topped but Dreams and Fantasy on the Invisible Enemy? The Making of Mindwarp? In fact all the documentary titles on The Trial of a Timelord set are a bit lackluster.

Here's some they should have used.

The Leisure Hive- Romana Holiday. It would probably have worked on City of Death as well but that had Paris in the Springtime which is okay, if not actually a pun.
The Seeds of Death- A T-Mat of Life and Death.
The Web Planet- Isop's Fables.
Timelash- The Good, the Borad, and the Ugly. The DVD went for The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, so near and yet so far. Never Mind the Morlox would have worked as well but see The Space Museum below.
The Invisible Enemy- SaturnDay Night Fever. Anything with Saturday in the title would have worked SaturnDay Night's Alright (For Fighting the Nucleus of the Swarm); see. SaturnDay Night and Sunday Morning; well maybe not that one.

And there's still time to use these (except maybe The Keys of Marinus, unless they go for a costly recall to edit in a new documentary title).

The Space Museum- Never Mind the Moroks. There's still time to use this one guys.
The Keys of Marinus- Voord Do You Think You Are. How much do DVD recalls cost anyway?
Dragonfire- Citizen Kane. Boring but obvious what with all the film references in the script.
Planet of Fire- Sarn Like it Hot. Or, Being in Lava Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry because of the volcano.
Time and the Rani: Tetrap a Thief . Tetrap sounds a bit like To Trap... yes it's weak but this is harder than you'd think. If only the story had two Ranis instead of two Mels. If there had been three Mels you could use Melnage a Trois which sounds a bit rude.
Terror of the Autons- Auton Erotic Asphyxiation which sounds extremely rude.

Finally, here are some that can never be used unless the episode is found.

Galaxy 4- Ammonia Rill in a Gilded Cage. Drahvin Miss Maaga. The Rills Are Alive. Or, Galaxy Phwoar! because the Drahvins are all women (perhaps not).

In just seven days, I can make you a man*

*From beyond the grave; presumably.

That Was The Year That Was

In all the excitement of last week's news (Character Options have had their license renewed!) there was no chance to look back at 2008. And what a year it was! Here's a reminder of some of the stories which made the headlines.

The Olympics 2012 committee hired David Tennant to light the Olympic flame at the start of the London games," in order to ensure that the London Olympics are cannon."

In the book T Is For Television, Russell T. Davies admits he doesn't remember the Apollo 11 Moon landing of July 20th 1969 on the grounds that," it probably wasn't as good as that week's Doctor Who!" His shameful ignorance of basic Who lore, namely that series 6 had finished broadcasting on 21st June 1969, immediately outs Davis as a fake Doctor Who fan and a red-faced Russell announces his resignation.

The Doctor Who Restoration Team revealed the success of the Colour Recovery Working Group who have pulled colour information from black and white film prints. Their next project? Turning lead into gold.

As the latest series of Doctor Who comes to an end Doctor Who magazine's latest issue has alternate covers. So does the Radio Times. Later in the year SFX also has multiple Doctor covers as does the British Medical Journal which is accused of "cashing in".

The Royal Shakespeare Company sets limits on what fans can bring to the stage door for David Tennant and Patrick Stewart to sign while they appear in Hamlet. Luckily no such restriction applies to other cast members and John Woodvine (The Marshall, The Armageddon factor), Zoe Thorne (Toclafane voice, The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords. Gelth voice, The Unquiet Dead), Roderick Smith (Cruikshank, The Invisible Enemy) and Andrea Harris (Suzanne, The Stolen Earth) are nearly buried under piles of tat.