Here We Come

Who are 'We'? In the absence of any Doctor Who related news (except for pictures of Matt Smith eating toast in Cannes) here are ten suggestions for the "We"s who could be coming in Torchwood, Children of Earth

1. The Kinda from Deva Loka.
2. Aliens of some description.
3. The Monkees.
4. Multiple Radio Times covers.
5. The Borg.
6. The Rouge Traders.
7. Virgilio Anderson.
8. The new Doctor Who production team.
9. Bugs Bunny (he should have turned left at Alberquirque).
10. The Midwich Cuckoos

Croeso i Torchwood

More details have been released of the proposed Torchwood Exhibition in Cardiff.

Visitors will take the role of a Torchwood recruit and become involved in a series of interactive displays featuring recreations of Torchwood sets, props, costumes and moments from the show.

Each visitor is issued with a swipe card which can be used to assess their 'Torchwood Quotient' by answering questions on the series as they pass through the exhibition which includes ; a welcome video message and briefing from Captain Jack (actor John Barrowman); recreation of 'The Hub' set; Alien Sex Gas attack; Cyberwoman attack; Cannibalistic Welsh Villagers attack; an exhibition of props and costumes; Weevil attack; a special effects display (includes an attack by Abbadon); plus an exciting finale where visitors must prevent the Turnmill Nuclear Power Plant from going into meltdown.

Survivors will then be rated according to their performance. Visitors who pass will be dosed with the amnesia drug Retcon and then asked if they would like to see the Cardiff Torchwood exhibition, those who fail will be buried alive in a grave under Cardiff for a thousand years in an authentic recreation of the exciting events of the series two episode Exit Wounds.

Your Letters Answered On The Internet's Liveliest Problem Page

With your host, the Beast

Dear The Beast,

After many years together my partner has recently begun turning into some sort of giant scorpion and is trying to suck out my vital juices in an effort to stay young. Please reply quickly as the situation is becoming urgent.

Lady T
London

THE BEAST SAYS," You will die; and I shall live."

Please send your letters to
"The Beast - The King of Despair, The Deathless Prince, The Bringer of the Night,He Who Bathes in the Black Sun, The Sin,The Temptation, The Deceiver, The Pain, The Loss, The Death of Hope, Fury, Rage, Death, The Darkness, The Vile, The Ferocity, The Price, The Fool, The Agony, The Fear, The Vanity, The Obsession, The Lust, The Urge to Jump, The Urge to Fall.
PO BOX 921
London

The Beast regrets that he is unable to enter into individual correspondence due to being chained in a pit for all eternity.

In Other News

Graph raises fan's concern that by 2014 unskippable Doctor Who DVD introductions and copyright information will last over two minutes.

Moments in Doctor Who that sound really expensive

With the new series apparently able to do anything (a werewolf attacks Queen Victoria, “easy”; Daleks and Cybermen fight around Canary Wharf, “no problem”; a platoon of Rhino-headed space Police march towards a hospital on the Moon,”yawn”) it's easy to forget that the original series could be a little more cash strapped and writers would sometimes find themselves writing concepts that they then had to back out of showing,

Death to the Daleks: At the start of the story the TARDIS is heading towards the planet Florana where the effervescent seas are like “warm milk,” the sand is “soft as swan's down “ and ” the air is like a magic potion.”
What happens instead: The TARDIS runs out of power and lands in a quarry.

Full Circle: The Marshmen take the TARDIS to a cave and plan to push it down a 5000 metre slope where it will smash open the side of the Starliner like a battering ram.
What happens instead: The Marshmen are scared off by some spiders; they later get into the Starliner through an open door.

Logopolis: With the Master's TARDIS on-board, the Doctor intends to materialise his TARDIS underwater and open the doors, literally flushing the Master out.
What happens instead: The TARDIS misses the river and lands on a dock.

Time Flight: Drawn back in time millions of years a Concorde prepares to land on prehistoric Earth.
What happens instead: Unbelievably, Concorde lands. Everyone spends the next three episodes milling around a rock in studio TC8 at Television Centre.

Survival: The Doctor leads Ace back to the TARDIS describing what awaits them in space. ” There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's asleep and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice and somewhere else the tea is getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got work to do.”
What happens instead: the series goes off the air for 16 years (except for 85 minutes in 1996)*

Special Bonus Moment From Blake's 7
Voice From the Past: Tired and stressed, the crew of The Liberator head for Del 10," an ultra-planet, fantastic mountain scenery, and the gravity's so low you can practically fly."
What happens instead: Taken over by a strange telepathic force, Blake changes course.

*However we do get to see a sky burning in The Poison Sky and the city made of smog sounds a bit like New Earth in Gridlock; maybe the BBC used that time to save up some cash.

Doctor Who: New companion gimmick revealed 'no thumbs'

• Speculation mounts that the great, long, red-legged Scisssorman will be the first new villain for series 5.

• Hitch-hiking script abandoned.

• Tom Thumb to appear in 'celebrity historical' script.

• Or possibly Thumbelina.

• Oh, or maybe Little Jack Horner.

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Thumbs
1. A 'rule of thumb' is a rule or principle that provides guidance to appropriate behaviour.
2. It turns out there are not ten things to know about thumbs...Read More.

In Other News

Blog unable to think of caption for bizarre London Underground publicity photograph. Read More.

Fans Unable to Wait Until 2010 Start Matt Smith Animation Project

In the absence of a new series of Doctor Who desperate fans have developed a plan to animate eleventh Doctor Matt Smith's stories before they are broadcast. The project was inspired by the animation of two missing episodes from the 1968 Doctor Who story The Invasion which was released on DVD in 2006.
" We just can't wait," said one of the fans involved who wished to remain anonymous," yes there are the other David Tennant specials to come but that's not enough when you're used to thirteen episodes a year."
So far the animators only have a few rough designs based on publicity photos but they are confident that the pace will increase as more details of the new series leak out.
" We'll fill in the blanks later. The script we've got so far is called The Something of Something. The Eleventh Doctor arrives on a planet in the TARDIS and lots of exciting things happen which the Doctor resolves in forty five minutes, unless it's a two parter in which case there will be a cliffhanger. We don't know who the companion is, or what she will look like, but we are confident that she will be involved in the thick of things and go on an emotional rollercoaster of a journey," our fan source added.

The Hidden Dangers of Hyperinflation

Editorial comment. A disturbing trend in monster sizes is becoming apparent; hyperinflation.

In 1973 for a monster to be classified as "giant" it only needed to be larger than its real life equivalent. This giant maggot, left, is barely a foot high.

By 1975 in order for this robot, pictured centre, to be a giant it had to be over seven feet tall. An increase in real terms of 600% in 18 months

When The Next Doctor was broadcast in December 2008 hyperinflation had affected the size of monsters to such a degree that the Cyberking, right, was well over 800 feet tall; an increase of at least 79900%.

To put that in giant maggot terms, this means for The Green Death to have the same impact in 2009 as it did in 1973 the Doctor would have to fight a maggot 15 miles tall and 45 miles long! Is that something you want to see while trying to eat your tea? Frankly I think it would be disgusting.

Doctor Who needs sensible restraint in the height of its monsters. At this rate, by the start of the 2010 series, the Doctor will be fighting monsters the size of the Earth's moon. The Adipose were a step in the right direction, instead of being tall they were very short but there were lots of them.

It's time for the makers of Doctor Who to say no to this trend for ever larger and larger monsters. We need an upper limit. Instead of fighting beings of incomprehensible size, they should say "this tall, and no more". Perhaps the Doctor could fight several toads the size of the Eiffel Tower, or a giant kitten, but this monster madness must end now. Or by 2012 the Doctor will be nothing but a tiny dot buzzing around some mad creature (perhaps a fire breathing lamb/snail hybrid) the size of Jupiter.

And that can only be bad for Britain, bad for the BBC and bad for Doctor Who!